Saturday, November 27, 2021

journey of healing

Lots of stuff is going through my mind so I didn't get to post Friday until I kind of worked through it.

First of all Thanksgiving sucks. You can't clean the genocide of indigenous people from it, and I consider it a day of mourning for all my ancestors who were brutalized in the name of colonialism. I'm also no contact with my dad so family holidays are hard. My ex went to spend time with his family so I spent most of my day alone at home. Fortunately I had other streamers to watch who really helped me throughout the day by playing games and just being friendly and loving. I'm so grateful to have this little community of people, when I feel the most alone in my life I have ever felt.

Since I've started talking about the fact that I probably experienced csa at a really young age but don't remember, I am starting to remember some stuff. This is a difficult time and I need to remember to be gentle with myself because I'm probably gonna remember more and more and it can be difficult to face. So it's ok if I can't do all the dishes or vacuum or whatever. I'm trying. But sometimes I might just lay and cry in bed for a long time, and that's ok too. There's a lot of generational hurt, betrayal, and guilt and shame. But I've gotten through so much already so it will prob be ok with the tools I have. Whatever happened to me, it effected every relationship I've ever had and its easy to see the patterns. It's kind of weird in a way, I'm like a detective trying to figure out stuff I can't remember completely. But it sucks when it's your own life you're piecing back together. At the very least I'm beginning to see how I can avoid bad relationships in the future. 

I just want to find my own space and work on the art I want to make and try to work on my online community. I've contacted disability lawyers and my process is started. Hopefully I can find a new place soon. My twitch community is growing and I'm getting back into digital art again. Hopefully I'll be able to share more over time. I feel like there's so much possibility even in the face of so much bad shit.

There isn't much update I guess but some weeks are like that when you gotta spend time healing. Take care friends, I hope you are finding what helps you, and if you aren't, I hope it's there soon. 

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