Tuesday, November 16, 2021


LOL it's been a very long time since I last updated. I promise there was a lot of good reason, but I also have some good news too.

Shortly before or after the last post I had, my mom was scheduled for surgery to remove a benign brain tumor. I quickly became her medical power of attorney before the surgery. They were able to remove most of the tumor and she had radiation to remove the rest. I have essentially been caring for her since then because she cant drive anymore, cant schedule appointments, and has difficulty caring for herself. I didn't really have time for my own projects and some of my health stuff has fallen by the wayside. I ended up not really posting like I had been wanting to, because I was struggling to deal with caring for her while also being her emotional punching bag, and it brought up a lot of unhealed trauma I experienced in childhood. Things have been pretty hard, and even though I haven't posted much about it, I've been going through a lot. 

At least I've been able to work with my therapist about the traumas I'm remembering, and I have been writing a lot of stuff about dealing with it. Luckily I have a wonderful therapist that encourages me to find my voice and encourages my art process through my trauma.  In the meanwhile I have been working on my house in my lucid dreams and working through memories, but sometimes the house gets fucked up again when I have something triggering happen in my day. I'm slowly accessing painful memories that I tried to forget of my childhood and it can be really difficult to process.

At this point she needs more care than I can provide, so she is moving in with my brother in another state. But because life totally blows up on me at the worst times, my husband told me in June this year that he wants a divorce, and he doesn't want to work anything out. Naturally I am feeling very abandoned which is a really bad trigger for me because of past trauma. I don't really want to have a relationship with him either now because his actions. When someone calls me "too much," then I don't want to be around them. He keeps fucking up my pronouns too, after I had been very generous and understanding of him needing an adjustment period, and being misgendered every fucking day in my own house is agonizing at best. He has not once called me by my name that I have gone through and legally changed, which took months. I've been going by Xiuhcoatl for more than a year socially. I explained many times how to pronounce it properly. All my friends that I havent seen since the pandemic started, are using the Xiuhcoatl name for me with proper pronouns and pronunciation, but he has yet to call me by it. This is a deep hurt that I just cannot describe accurately. If he really loved me, he would try. My own covert-narcissist mother with memory problems can call me Xiuhcoatl, but my own husband cant? The hurt is indescribable. I have many conflicting feelings and they are all awful. I have been slowly packing stuff up when I can manage to do it.

I cannot work anymore due to my mental and physical health, so I am trying to get on to disability, and I am looking at HUD housing. I'm not sure how long this process will take but I have my psychiatrist on board for the mental health. I just have to navigate healthcare to get evidence that I cant work physically either. It shouldn't be hard, I have a long history of pain complaints and other issues that come from hEDS. But the process is difficult to navigate. I still need to call a disability lawyer but that is on my list of things to do. I'm honestly terrified, because there is a lot of uncertainties. I want to move out as soon as I can though, because staying here is too painful.

I am looking forward to a better environment to live in that I can control and maintain. I can get back to working on art and other creative outlets. I have been doing a lot of trauma work in the last few years, and I want to turn all this shit I survived into something beautiful. I have been working on world building that's going to be the setting for a few books I want to write, and I think I want to start using this blog to start sharing stuff about it. I also want to start using this blog to have some updates for my Twitch and YouTube channels and kind of have it as a central way to share things until I can get my website programmed the way I want. I have put my Etsy store on pause until I move into the new place. Then I have a bunch of things I want to make and new techniques I want to try. 

If you want to hear me talk about my dreams, and all kinds of other stuff, I stream Creatures and chat on Tuesdays around noon (eastern time) on Twitch. I have links on side bar. Thursdays at noon, I play whatever game I feel like, and I have a decent number of games to choose from. I would like to add Saturdays or Sundays to the schedule too, but I haven't decided what the theme for the day should be. I kind of want to do a craft type stream, where I work on jewelry, or art, or sewing stuff, but that would have to wait until after I move and can expand my setup. In the meanwhile I have a lot of games to play so it might just be another random game stream day until I get moved.

Sooooooo there's a lot of things to look forward to, but it might be a little bit before I get there. In the meanwhile, I will start posting here at least once a week, probably on Fridays, and adding more content that I've been working on. I'm very excited to share more, because I have so many ideas and stories and characters that I believe people will love. And if the things I talk about will help just one person, it would be worth it. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope you're having a decent day.

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