Sunday, May 17, 2020


The past few weeks I can't stop sleeping. The exhaustion I feel is not moved by anything. I still am drinking several coffee cups a day and still falling asleep quickly. It's not a mystery to me why I'm so exhausted; I've been going through my memories to try and deal with my emotions about my trauma, because I don't want to be haunted the rest of my life anymore. I'm doing it so much I'm doing it in my sleep.

I been having lucid dreams every night. In these dreams there is a house, and I'm cleaning the basement. Sometimes I move something or clean something and I see a memory, and the experience floods my world with what happened. When it's over I'm feeling everything I felt when it happened, and talking myself through it. I tell myself I didn't deserve to be abused, neglected, ignored, or punished for being myself. There are no more giant nests of monster spiders in this basement room. There are no broken walls anymore or water dripping. It's become safe, clean, dry, and livable.

I've made it through the basement and the first floors. I've begun cleaning out all the ghosts and repairing libraries and bedrooms so they can be lived in. I've cleaned some hidden rooms even. But this process is long. It can take days to go through each event until a room is clean. It's exhausting but it's so worth it.

I'm sure someone sees me barely interacting with the outside world and thinks I'm doing it for selfish reasons. Well I am. I need to process what happened to me because I don't want to be haunted the rest of my life. I have to take care of my mental health or it will kill me. If it's selfish to take care of my health first, then fucking yes I'm selfish. If it's selfish to manage my emotions and my health then fine. But it's not selfish. I am in fact helping my family and friends as well as myself by deconstructing and dealing with trauma. By dealing with it, I won't harm others by keeping shitty toxic views that don't help me or those around me. 

Healing is very difficult and a lot of people spend their lives avoiding that because of it. Don't ever feel bad for taking care of yourself. 

Sunday, March 22, 2020


I'm miserable and scared out of my mind right now. I'm an at risk patient cuz hEDS makes me vulnerable to pneumonia. I guess CORVID-19 really overwhelms the lungs and damages them and can cause heart issues, which I already have a mitral valve prolapse, so if I get it when there's less ventilators available, I'm dying for sure.

My life was kind of flipped upside down the last month or so.

My mom was diagnosed with a huge pituitary tumor, and had it removed about two weeks ago. My mom hasn't really been honest with me about her medical issues, and she's 73 this year, and she's been having some other troubling signs of dementia that have been getting worse the last two years. I'm hoping that as she recovers, she hopefully will get some improvement, but after this last week she confused her doctors appointments up and we missed them. If anyone has any advice with talking to a parent about dementia please let me know? I'm struggling. 

I think this summer my brother is going to have to come home so we can try to move her into assisted living or at least figure out how to watch her finances so she doesn't start buying things too much or anything like that. I'm worried about scam calls too, how often she gets viruses on her computer, and a lot of other things. I'm terrified she's going to get sick one of these times I take her to a doctor's appointment in the hospital.

At least I have maneuvered well enough in the medical system to help my mom. I know how frustrating it is to not remember things so I can talk to her a little about it. I told her it's okay to need me, that it's okay to not be independent anymore. Trying to dismantle some of her ableist upbringing is difficult, but I hope she will open up more so we can talk about those things and she won't have to feel alone. When your body fails you, especially your mind, it can be terrifying. I encouraged her to find a therapist that will help her process the trauma of being sick.

Jeff lost one of this jobs recently too, so we are a little unsure of how we're going to afford anything besides rent. If you can donate I could use the help, especially for gas to drive back and forth to my mom's, food, meds, and art supplies so I can cope with the world ending and my mom getting sicker at the same time.
By things from my etsy:
I have several wish lists on Amazon, here is the most important one but I'll appreciate anything from any of them:

Saturday, February 8, 2020

projects, updates

My computer is back, I'm feeling better, and the PTSD symptoms have started to roll back as well. I been working on making some coasters, one will be H2O molecules and they will actually show polarity. I've also been painting coasters and pendants again. I recently made two round pendants of a plate of micrococcus Luteus. I hope to make more agar plate looking pendants because I like to layer stuff in resin and making mini agar plates would be really fun.

I've been working on the animals for Albia² and got a few done. I will be back to broadcasting creatures and testing COBs probably in the next few days. I'm hoping to have enough recordings to practice editing with.

Ketamine has really helped my pain and I'm able to reduce a few meds. I definitely don't need as much pain meds, and I been able to do art more frequently. It really helped my depression too. I highly recommend it if you have chronic pain and mental illness, but also do your own research.

Ahh I missed my computer, so happy to have it humming in the background again.

Wednesday, January 29, 2020


I had shitty flashbacks about work today because I was in a Cleveland clinic hospital for a long time for one of my friends. It sucks that I was bullied out of my job plus I was sexually objectified by a co-worker, and I believe I have PTSD from the whole thing. I probably was blackballed by them too cuz I couldn't get a job afterwards even though I have three degrees. I applied everywhere and was rejected everywhere.

I don't understand why they ruined my life. I wanted to be their friend, I wanted to let them in my life, and instead they hurt me. No wonder I was so suicidal when I worked at the clinic; it wasn't that my meds weren't working, I was being assaulted every fucking day in every fucking way and it made me want to die. Thankfully I survived and didn't go through with killing myself, even though all my meds were taken away at that critical time. If I didn't have Jeff, I would be dead. 

Are you proud of destroying me? Are you happy to ruin my life so completely that I can't even return to a hospital without having a panic attack? I hope the both of you are fucking miserable. The least you could do is pay my fucking health bills off, which is around 8.5k now. Ill never be able to return to work again cuz this has compounded into my already long history of PTSD. 

Why? Why did you fucking do this to someone that was already traumatized, that shared their horrid experiences with you, and looked to you for support? Are you happy that I'm like this now? Was it fun to destroy a human being so completely? It must have been. You must have gotten some kind of power trip doing this to me, cuz you clearly didn't give a shit about me when it was over. Otherwise you might have said you were sorry. Instead you both blamed me and destroyed my career. Cool.

If anyone can help me out with my medical bills, you can donate to my PayPal: