Thursday, April 11, 2019

Some days are easier than others

Some days my body is in so much pain I can't really sleep. Other days I'm too exhausted to stay awake even with an 7 or higher pain, and I just struggle to stay asleep.

Today my body is on fire. I irritated my ulnar nerve so one and a half of my fingers got electricity shooting through it this second. I'm actually using Swype keyboard because then I can use a pen or just my finger to write, instead of typing everything. I could even use voice if I wanted and I probably should. Anyway, this nerve pain blows and I'm fucking over it.

I'm going to need to try another pain management place because with the EDS diagnosis it should help them take me seriously. But I was also basically semi conscious during those last couple months at work and no one helped me then so I have a lot of doubts. I just fucking can't anymore with this nerve pain. It's so bad I want to cut my arm off.

I think the worst thing about this is I painted for a couple hours and my reward is this bullshit pins and needle garbage all the way down my arm. I wanted to fucking paint so my body says "fuck you for making me do things".

My mental health is okay ish but lately I have been feeling very little hope because my body sucks so much. I had to give up on my dreams of being in the medical field at all. But after my burnout it's impossible to go back. Maybe I'll be able to get the correct meds so I can work in the lab again part time but I really doubt any one is going to help. Maybe I could work in a wheelchair, but I really doubt I'll get hired. Regardless of the law, people would not hire me knowing I'm disabled. I had enough discrimination at the Cleveland clinic for my partial disability, and every lab was real excited about me until they learned I had limitations. That's just how the fucking US is.

Someone just buy me some art supplies for my store so I can stop thinking about how much everything is stacked against me. I am afraid to hope for anything anymore.

Wednesday, April 3, 2019

I have a diagnosis

I have a diagnosis and its EDS. I was right all this time, that something was wrong with my body. Years of people telling me that its just in my head, that I was faking, or whatever, they can suck it. Everyone wanted to blame my anxiety and depression instead of taking me seriously that I was in extreme pain. Honestly I'm surprised I even worked as much as I did, after I subluxed my hip at work more than once.

Basically this disease means my collagen is shitty, so a lot of parts of me are not good at what they do. What parts of me are effected? My veins, my skin, my joints, and you know... all my organs. It's why I have a reaction to wheat even though I don't have celiac disease. It's also why I couldn't see out of the periphery of my eyes the last few months I was working, because my veins aren't elastic enough to keep my circulation going well. That, plus the mitral valve prolapse, and the POTS, all contribute to my problems with stairs.

The thing that sucks is doctors are terrible in Ohio about pain. Tons of doctors ignore POC complaints of pain, so I have little hope that I'll be able to get pain medication besides medical marijuana, which makes me unemployable in the state of ohio because you can get fired for using your medication. If I could get actual pain medication I could probably return to work, at least part time. But right now I doubt that's going to happen because of the opioid crisis, even though it was fucking started by pharmaceutical companies who knew how addictive that medication was. This is some bullshit I cant do anything about that ruins my quality of life, but you know mY pAin IsNt ReAl.

Please pray, or whatever religious thing you do, that I can get a home soon. I don't know if we'll have enough for a down payment, so please help us if you can. I did finally sell some jewelry so hopefully I can make something out of the wreckage that is my life. Writing has been a struggle but I'm starting to get a pattern down. I have hope but not a ton of it.