Sunday, May 17, 2020


The past few weeks I can't stop sleeping. The exhaustion I feel is not moved by anything. I still am drinking several coffee cups a day and still falling asleep quickly. It's not a mystery to me why I'm so exhausted; I've been going through my memories to try and deal with my emotions about my trauma, because I don't want to be haunted the rest of my life anymore. I'm doing it so much I'm doing it in my sleep.

I been having lucid dreams every night. In these dreams there is a house, and I'm cleaning the basement. Sometimes I move something or clean something and I see a memory, and the experience floods my world with what happened. When it's over I'm feeling everything I felt when it happened, and talking myself through it. I tell myself I didn't deserve to be abused, neglected, ignored, or punished for being myself. There are no more giant nests of monster spiders in this basement room. There are no broken walls anymore or water dripping. It's become safe, clean, dry, and livable.

I've made it through the basement and the first floors. I've begun cleaning out all the ghosts and repairing libraries and bedrooms so they can be lived in. I've cleaned some hidden rooms even. But this process is long. It can take days to go through each event until a room is clean. It's exhausting but it's so worth it.

I'm sure someone sees me barely interacting with the outside world and thinks I'm doing it for selfish reasons. Well I am. I need to process what happened to me because I don't want to be haunted the rest of my life. I have to take care of my mental health or it will kill me. If it's selfish to take care of my health first, then fucking yes I'm selfish. If it's selfish to manage my emotions and my health then fine. But it's not selfish. I am in fact helping my family and friends as well as myself by deconstructing and dealing with trauma. By dealing with it, I won't harm others by keeping shitty toxic views that don't help me or those around me. 

Healing is very difficult and a lot of people spend their lives avoiding that because of it. Don't ever feel bad for taking care of yourself. 

Saturday, February 8, 2020

projects, updates

My computer is back, I'm feeling better, and the PTSD symptoms have started to roll back as well. I been working on making some coasters, one will be H2O molecules and they will actually show polarity. I've also been painting coasters and pendants again. I recently made two round pendants of a plate of micrococcus Luteus. I hope to make more agar plate looking pendants because I like to layer stuff in resin and making mini agar plates would be really fun.

I've been working on the animals for Albia² and got a few done. I will be back to broadcasting creatures and testing COBs probably in the next few days. I'm hoping to have enough recordings to practice editing with.

Ketamine has really helped my pain and I'm able to reduce a few meds. I definitely don't need as much pain meds, and I been able to do art more frequently. It really helped my depression too. I highly recommend it if you have chronic pain and mental illness, but also do your own research.

Ahh I missed my computer, so happy to have it humming in the background again.

Tuesday, December 10, 2019

first ketamine treatment

Yesterday I was out the whole day cuz I had a 4 hr infusion. It definitely gives you the spins.

Today I was able to do dishes until I ran out of room on the drying rack. Usually I am too tired to keep doing dishes and can only do a few. This is great news! I hope it continues to improve. 

Friday, October 18, 2019


Sorry for the lack of updates, I'm still alive. I been having some more health problems because it's fall and my symptoms are always are worse then. My doc and I suspect that I have MCAS, which I have posted some info graphs below for you guys. People with hEDS and POTS/Dysautonomia often suffer from Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. I fit the criteria I just need to get the testing done, but this is not a fun disease. I can have and develop anaphylaxis reactions to basically everything. I have to go on this low histamine diet and cut out pretty much everything that I love or risk being constantly ill. Fresh fruits, vegetables, and fresh meat or fresh fish mostly. I can't do anything fun. No alcohol or fermented beverages, no fermented foods, no pickled or canned foods, no dried fruit, no processed or smoked meats, no aged cheeses, no shellfish, no nuts, no beans and pulses, no chocolate, no vinegar, no preservatives, no artificial coloring, no citrus, no nightshade vegetables, no black or green tea, but at least I have coffee! I can't eat out ever again, which I probably wasn't going to anyway, since I nearly always get sick at this point. I am just so fucking mad that there is so little that I can eat. Going gluten free was bad enough, I dunno if I can cut out everything I love to eat. But at least if I end up needing a feeding tube my best friend will already have one and we can be tube buddies.

I just want a tiny mold free house that I can hobble around with a backyard for my dog and space for a garden.

If you can spare anything, please check out my website and donate to my Amazon wishlist for various medical supplies I need. I'm constantly updating it with various things that could help make my life a little easier and a little more accessible, or will help relieve symptoms. Now here's some facts!

Monday, September 23, 2019


If anyone can donate to my PayPal, that would help me be able to see my therapist on Friday. I have had an abusive experience recently and my medical credit card is in the negative, so I don't have any way to pay for my session.

We haven't found a house yet, but we have semi stable housing for now. I'm probably going no contact with a family member that was shitty to me cuz I don't want to tolerate abusive behavior. I am safe, and husband has been very supportive of my decision. I am exhausted because the situation put me into a flare later that day.

I hate to beg right now. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of family financial support and I'm chronically sick, so doctors appointments add up, and so does medication. I haven't been able to go to therapy for about a month, when I should be there once a week per my doctors orders. Hubs works two jobs and we still can't afford meds and copays. I cannot work because of my health. So I need community support to help us get through this period of time.

My links are in the sidebar, or go to and try the links there. I appreciate any help at all and there's a variety of places you can donate.