Monday, January 10, 2022

Covid sucks

 There's a lot of things that have gone on lately and I just am shocked but not that shocked about how little the fucking govt is doing to protect people. One of the CDC spokespeople just said that people with four or more comorbidities are the only people dying from covid and its just a slap in the face to all disabled people. So many people who are advocating and working towards health rights are disabled people because otherwise we die. The callousness of this person saying that only people with comorbidities are dying is ridiculous. If you have diabetes, neuropathy, depression, and vascular issues, then cool the govt doesn't care that you died from covid. Most people have more than one comorbidity if they have any type of illness. This is just a trashy thing to say to anyone. They don't give a fuck about you or me or your grandma or your dad or whoever the fuck in your family has health problems.

The other thing that is really breaking my brain is the lack of care about sending kids to school to get covid because "oh they are young and will recover fine." Let me remind you that Covid is a VASCULAR disease that will probably not show up problems in kids until years later. Vascular diseases are significant and can kill people. So I guess the attitude is fuck those kids until they start showing symptoms of worse shit. And even then they probably wont do shit. because they are just letting disabled people die, they are just letting kids die, they are just letting old people die, and they are just demanding we get back to work so they can steal our capital once we die. Because that's all this is about. Making people rich.

J wasn't even done being sick, even got a letter from the health department that he should quarantine, but his job was like "its been ten days so you can come back into work." Not, ten days after you stop having symptoms. Not even ten days after you stop testing positive, but ten days after you started having symptoms, you should come back to work. They literally don't care people get this disease that has been proven to give long symptoms to half the people who survive it. You cant even sue the places you work at for being neglectful about covid now that everyone is getting it which is fucking disturbing. Normally if you get hurt at work, they have to pay for your medical bills, but no, not this apparently. Even though they are making people come back in, positive with covid. Because sorry, rich people need airplanes, and they don't care if your spouse will become more disabled from getting infected multiple times by a disease we have had two years to get a handle on.

I am shocked, but not that shocked. I hate it here.

I have reached out to social services to see if I can find housing in a place without mold, and I have a social worker now to help me get onto disability. Hopefully I can get into my own place this year, before I get covid again because of everyone's lax rules about this illness. But even then I am worried about covid because there are multiple friends of mine saying they got covid even with quarantining because most places don't have adequate ventilation and poor filtration on whatever ventilation it does have.

Anyway I'm trying to be better about posting in the week, but I feel like you can get more daily interaction with my discord server. I been better about posting memes every day, soon ill get the routine down. Hope to see you there!

Friday, December 31, 2021

I've gotten covid

Even though I've been so careful, I have covid.

I'm worried about having long covid. There is a risk my current MCAS symptoms will get worse after covid is out of my system.

I dunno what else to write but I'm scared. Govt hasn't done shit to help anyone getting this disease and now I'm probably gonna live in my bed the rest of my life.

It's a little hard to breathe. I hope it doesn't get worse. I may be facing my mortality. What can you do? I did what I could. The hospitals are full right now. Let's hope I can treat most of my symptoms at home.

Wednesday, December 15, 2021

weekly posts will now be on weds lol

So trying to blog every week was a disaster the Iast two weeks, but I think if I just mash it in between my streaming days, I'll be able to remember to do it lol.

Tw: CSA and PTSD talk in the paragraph below.
Talked with my therapist about the childhood sexual assault memories I'm having. Lots of crying and I recounted what I could remember. He encouraged me to write about what I could remember, because small details can help me figure out what happened. One thing that struck me is, was I really suicidal at 8 or was I confused and experiencing trauma and struggling to make sense of what happened? I don't know specifically who it was or if it only happened once or more times but there are patterns of bad behaviors of people around me that were difficult to ignore. I think I know who it is but the thought of it being him unravels my entire being. I dunno what I'll figure out but it scares me what it could be.
Tw end.

In creatures news, I found some bugs in my treasure chest so I'll be working on that. I have a lot of the images done for the dictionary so I'm hoping to finish it soon.

I got a referral to gastro today so hopefully I'll be able to find out what's going on.

Things are good, I feel like healing is going well. I've made a discord server also which I'll link on the side bar. Streaming is close to getting affiliate. I just need to bring up my average viewers. Hopefully I'll be able to get a disability lawyer soon.

Some things are chaotic but others seem to be falling into place. I'm hopeful.

Saturday, November 27, 2021

journey of healing

Lots of stuff is going through my mind so I didn't get to post Friday until I kind of worked through it.

First of all Thanksgiving sucks. You can't clean the genocide of indigenous people from it, and I consider it a day of mourning for all my ancestors who were brutalized in the name of colonialism. I'm also no contact with my dad so family holidays are hard. My ex went to spend time with his family so I spent most of my day alone at home. Fortunately I had other streamers to watch who really helped me throughout the day by playing games and just being friendly and loving. I'm so grateful to have this little community of people, when I feel the most alone in my life I have ever felt.

Since I've started talking about the fact that I probably experienced csa at a really young age but don't remember, I am starting to remember some stuff. This is a difficult time and I need to remember to be gentle with myself because I'm probably gonna remember more and more and it can be difficult to face. So it's ok if I can't do all the dishes or vacuum or whatever. I'm trying. But sometimes I might just lay and cry in bed for a long time, and that's ok too. There's a lot of generational hurt, betrayal, and guilt and shame. But I've gotten through so much already so it will prob be ok with the tools I have. Whatever happened to me, it effected every relationship I've ever had and its easy to see the patterns. It's kind of weird in a way, I'm like a detective trying to figure out stuff I can't remember completely. But it sucks when it's your own life you're piecing back together. At the very least I'm beginning to see how I can avoid bad relationships in the future. 

I just want to find my own space and work on the art I want to make and try to work on my online community. I've contacted disability lawyers and my process is started. Hopefully I can find a new place soon. My twitch community is growing and I'm getting back into digital art again. Hopefully I'll be able to share more over time. I feel like there's so much possibility even in the face of so much bad shit.

There isn't much update I guess but some weeks are like that when you gotta spend time healing. Take care friends, I hope you are finding what helps you, and if you aren't, I hope it's there soon. 

Saturday, November 20, 2021

Lol I already fucked up

I unfortunately fell asleep early last night before I got around to write this post, but now is as good a time as ever to start it.

I've been playing around with bot timers in stream elements and have been getting a lot of nice feedback on them. I wanted a bot to post uplifting messages of self esteem, healing, mental health facts, and other things, and they seem to be doing well.

I talked to my therapist yesterday afternoon. I realized that even though I've been getting a lot of positive feedback, it's taking time to settle in my brain that it's positive, because I've spent so much of my childhood and adult life being misunderstood. I'm still waiting for someone to say that its not positive at all or it's making everyone feel bad. It's just a faded echo of the toxic crap I pushed out of my life. I at least feel relief that it's doing what I want, but I want to feel happy it's successful. Sometimes it takes a minute for one to get there. I hope it's more soon. It's a leftover of when I was conditioned to destroy myself for others conveniences. The spark is there that I'm doing good though.

Facebook has been more and more of a mess and I don't want to use it anymore. I'm going to be transferring anything I have on there until I can close it down. I've been interested in making a discord for a while so I'll prob post links to it soon. I still have Twitter, this blog, and streaming, so my online presence will still be there. 

I scheduled an appointment with a dysautonomia neurologist so I get to do all the fun tests to see how much dysautonomia is effecting my body. Hopefully this will help me figure out why I'm dropping weight so fast without a change in diet. Things are coming together for my health issues, at least in finding out why it's doing this. I hope water therapy helps me build back my muscles.

*Content warning for the paragraph below: childhood sexual assault mention. You can skip to the next paragraph if you need.
I've been having a lot of nightmares but I have been able to slip into lucid occasionally. Most of them have been me in a haunted house trying to pack my shit up without getting murdered. Usually I can only get into lucid if I'm leaving the house. I been handling the trauma memories more in my waking time so I guess it seems my unconscious is letting go of it gradually so I can manage it. I think digging through my boxed up traumas is still something I can do in dreams, but now it's deeper, more traumatic shit now. So I need to pace myself because I'm remembering very upsetting stuff and can't go through as many boxes as I did before. It's been rough but I'm starting to understand some things more clearly in regards to the abuse I survived. I think there is a very old memory of sexual assault from when I was very little. It's the only thing that makes sense to me at this moment with the memories I do have and the way I acted as a very young kid. I don't know if ill ever remember what happened, but I am trying to process it. I'm working with my therapist on this, so don't worry, but I want to be honest about something as difficult as this. I've survived a lot of rape and this is still difficult to process. In some situations you don't get all the answers, but I at least can understand how this piece fits into the patterns of abuse I survived, and why I ended up fawning over abusers in my life. Still sucks, but I'm learning something at least.
*end of content warning*

I been reading a lot of Nahuatl philosophy and I'm seeing how I was taught that balance in life is key. I'm starting to think I'm genderfluid more and more but I've kind of always felt it was right for me. I guess I'm really in the middle of trying to walk on the slippery earth lol. It's nice to find out that what comes to you naturally came to thousands of people before you. Always remember my brown and Black friends, that you came from generations of life and celebration; be proud of who you are. Your culture is beautiful and so important. Nurture and grow your history in whatever way you can. I'm finding ways every day just by reading about my ancestors, but other things I do too.

Hopefully I can do a stream this weekend, because I've been enjoying Omori and Undertale, and would like to continue either story. Mickey seems to enjoy sitting in my lap for those too, so my dog will be visible in stream as well. Can't wait to see you there!