Saturday, November 27, 2021

journey of healing

Lots of stuff is going through my mind so I didn't get to post Friday until I kind of worked through it.

First of all Thanksgiving sucks. You can't clean the genocide of indigenous people from it, and I consider it a day of mourning for all my ancestors who were brutalized in the name of colonialism. I'm also no contact with my dad so family holidays are hard. My ex went to spend time with his family so I spent most of my day alone at home. Fortunately I had other streamers to watch who really helped me throughout the day by playing games and just being friendly and loving. I'm so grateful to have this little community of people, when I feel the most alone in my life I have ever felt.

Since I've started talking about the fact that I probably experienced csa at a really young age but don't remember, I am starting to remember some stuff. This is a difficult time and I need to remember to be gentle with myself because I'm probably gonna remember more and more and it can be difficult to face. So it's ok if I can't do all the dishes or vacuum or whatever. I'm trying. But sometimes I might just lay and cry in bed for a long time, and that's ok too. There's a lot of generational hurt, betrayal, and guilt and shame. But I've gotten through so much already so it will prob be ok with the tools I have. Whatever happened to me, it effected every relationship I've ever had and its easy to see the patterns. It's kind of weird in a way, I'm like a detective trying to figure out stuff I can't remember completely. But it sucks when it's your own life you're piecing back together. At the very least I'm beginning to see how I can avoid bad relationships in the future. 

I just want to find my own space and work on the art I want to make and try to work on my online community. I've contacted disability lawyers and my process is started. Hopefully I can find a new place soon. My twitch community is growing and I'm getting back into digital art again. Hopefully I'll be able to share more over time. I feel like there's so much possibility even in the face of so much bad shit.

There isn't much update I guess but some weeks are like that when you gotta spend time healing. Take care friends, I hope you are finding what helps you, and if you aren't, I hope it's there soon. 

Saturday, November 20, 2021

Lol I already fucked up

I unfortunately fell asleep early last night before I got around to write this post, but now is as good a time as ever to start it.

I've been playing around with bot timers in stream elements and have been getting a lot of nice feedback on them. I wanted a bot to post uplifting messages of self esteem, healing, mental health facts, and other things, and they seem to be doing well.

I talked to my therapist yesterday afternoon. I realized that even though I've been getting a lot of positive feedback, it's taking time to settle in my brain that it's positive, because I've spent so much of my childhood and adult life being misunderstood. I'm still waiting for someone to say that its not positive at all or it's making everyone feel bad. It's just a faded echo of the toxic crap I pushed out of my life. I at least feel relief that it's doing what I want, but I want to feel happy it's successful. Sometimes it takes a minute for one to get there. I hope it's more soon. It's a leftover of when I was conditioned to destroy myself for others conveniences. The spark is there that I'm doing good though.

Facebook has been more and more of a mess and I don't want to use it anymore. I'm going to be transferring anything I have on there until I can close it down. I've been interested in making a discord for a while so I'll prob post links to it soon. I still have Twitter, this blog, and streaming, so my online presence will still be there. 

I scheduled an appointment with a dysautonomia neurologist so I get to do all the fun tests to see how much dysautonomia is effecting my body. Hopefully this will help me figure out why I'm dropping weight so fast without a change in diet. Things are coming together for my health issues, at least in finding out why it's doing this. I hope water therapy helps me build back my muscles.

*Content warning for the paragraph below: childhood sexual assault mention. You can skip to the next paragraph if you need.
I've been having a lot of nightmares but I have been able to slip into lucid occasionally. Most of them have been me in a haunted house trying to pack my shit up without getting murdered. Usually I can only get into lucid if I'm leaving the house. I been handling the trauma memories more in my waking time so I guess it seems my unconscious is letting go of it gradually so I can manage it. I think digging through my boxed up traumas is still something I can do in dreams, but now it's deeper, more traumatic shit now. So I need to pace myself because I'm remembering very upsetting stuff and can't go through as many boxes as I did before. It's been rough but I'm starting to understand some things more clearly in regards to the abuse I survived. I think there is a very old memory of sexual assault from when I was very little. It's the only thing that makes sense to me at this moment with the memories I do have and the way I acted as a very young kid. I don't know if ill ever remember what happened, but I am trying to process it. I'm working with my therapist on this, so don't worry, but I want to be honest about something as difficult as this. I've survived a lot of rape and this is still difficult to process. In some situations you don't get all the answers, but I at least can understand how this piece fits into the patterns of abuse I survived, and why I ended up fawning over abusers in my life. Still sucks, but I'm learning something at least.
*end of content warning*

I been reading a lot of Nahuatl philosophy and I'm seeing how I was taught that balance in life is key. I'm starting to think I'm genderfluid more and more but I've kind of always felt it was right for me. I guess I'm really in the middle of trying to walk on the slippery earth lol. It's nice to find out that what comes to you naturally came to thousands of people before you. Always remember my brown and Black friends, that you came from generations of life and celebration; be proud of who you are. Your culture is beautiful and so important. Nurture and grow your history in whatever way you can. I'm finding ways every day just by reading about my ancestors, but other things I do too.

Hopefully I can do a stream this weekend, because I've been enjoying Omori and Undertale, and would like to continue either story. Mickey seems to enjoy sitting in my lap for those too, so my dog will be visible in stream as well. Can't wait to see you there!

Tuesday, November 16, 2021

wow

LOL it's been a very long time since I last updated. I promise there was a lot of good reason, but I also have some good news too.

Shortly before or after the last post I had, my mom was scheduled for surgery to remove a benign brain tumor. I quickly became her medical power of attorney before the surgery. They were able to remove most of the tumor and she had radiation to remove the rest. I have essentially been caring for her since then because she cant drive anymore, cant schedule appointments, and has difficulty caring for herself. I didn't really have time for my own projects and some of my health stuff has fallen by the wayside. I ended up not really posting like I had been wanting to, because I was struggling to deal with caring for her while also being her emotional punching bag, and it brought up a lot of unhealed trauma I experienced in childhood. Things have been pretty hard, and even though I haven't posted much about it, I've been going through a lot. 

At least I've been able to work with my therapist about the traumas I'm remembering, and I have been writing a lot of stuff about dealing with it. Luckily I have a wonderful therapist that encourages me to find my voice and encourages my art process through my trauma.  In the meanwhile I have been working on my house in my lucid dreams and working through memories, but sometimes the house gets fucked up again when I have something triggering happen in my day. I'm slowly accessing painful memories that I tried to forget of my childhood and it can be really difficult to process.

At this point she needs more care than I can provide, so she is moving in with my brother in another state. But because life totally blows up on me at the worst times, my husband told me in June this year that he wants a divorce, and he doesn't want to work anything out. Naturally I am feeling very abandoned which is a really bad trigger for me because of past trauma. I don't really want to have a relationship with him either now because his actions. When someone calls me "too much," then I don't want to be around them. He keeps fucking up my pronouns too, after I had been very generous and understanding of him needing an adjustment period, and being misgendered every fucking day in my own house is agonizing at best. He has not once called me by my name that I have gone through and legally changed, which took months. I've been going by Xiuhcoatl for more than a year socially. I explained many times how to pronounce it properly. All my friends that I havent seen since the pandemic started, are using the Xiuhcoatl name for me with proper pronouns and pronunciation, but he has yet to call me by it. This is a deep hurt that I just cannot describe accurately. If he really loved me, he would try. My own covert-narcissist mother with memory problems can call me Xiuhcoatl, but my own husband cant? The hurt is indescribable. I have many conflicting feelings and they are all awful. I have been slowly packing stuff up when I can manage to do it.

I cannot work anymore due to my mental and physical health, so I am trying to get on to disability, and I am looking at HUD housing. I'm not sure how long this process will take but I have my psychiatrist on board for the mental health. I just have to navigate healthcare to get evidence that I cant work physically either. It shouldn't be hard, I have a long history of pain complaints and other issues that come from hEDS. But the process is difficult to navigate. I still need to call a disability lawyer but that is on my list of things to do. I'm honestly terrified, because there is a lot of uncertainties. I want to move out as soon as I can though, because staying here is too painful.

I am looking forward to a better environment to live in that I can control and maintain. I can get back to working on art and other creative outlets. I have been doing a lot of trauma work in the last few years, and I want to turn all this shit I survived into something beautiful. I have been working on world building that's going to be the setting for a few books I want to write, and I think I want to start using this blog to start sharing stuff about it. I also want to start using this blog to have some updates for my Twitch and YouTube channels and kind of have it as a central way to share things until I can get my website programmed the way I want. I have put my Etsy store on pause until I move into the new place. Then I have a bunch of things I want to make and new techniques I want to try. 

If you want to hear me talk about my dreams, and all kinds of other stuff, I stream Creatures and chat on Tuesdays around noon (eastern time) on Twitch. I have links on side bar. Thursdays at noon, I play whatever game I feel like, and I have a decent number of games to choose from. I would like to add Saturdays or Sundays to the schedule too, but I haven't decided what the theme for the day should be. I kind of want to do a craft type stream, where I work on jewelry, or art, or sewing stuff, but that would have to wait until after I move and can expand my setup. In the meanwhile I have a lot of games to play so it might just be another random game stream day until I get moved.

Sooooooo there's a lot of things to look forward to, but it might be a little bit before I get there. In the meanwhile, I will start posting here at least once a week, probably on Fridays, and adding more content that I've been working on. I'm very excited to share more, because I have so many ideas and stories and characters that I believe people will love. And if the things I talk about will help just one person, it would be worth it. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope you're having a decent day.

Sunday, May 17, 2020

progress

The past few weeks I can't stop sleeping. The exhaustion I feel is not moved by anything. I still am drinking several coffee cups a day and still falling asleep quickly. It's not a mystery to me why I'm so exhausted; I've been going through my memories to try and deal with my emotions about my trauma, because I don't want to be haunted the rest of my life anymore. I'm doing it so much I'm doing it in my sleep.

I been having lucid dreams every night. In these dreams there is a house, and I'm cleaning the basement. Sometimes I move something or clean something and I see a memory, and the experience floods my world with what happened. When it's over I'm feeling everything I felt when it happened, and talking myself through it. I tell myself I didn't deserve to be abused, neglected, ignored, or punished for being myself. There are no more giant nests of monster spiders in this basement room. There are no broken walls anymore or water dripping. It's become safe, clean, dry, and livable.

I've made it through the basement and the first floors. I've begun cleaning out all the ghosts and repairing libraries and bedrooms so they can be lived in. I've cleaned some hidden rooms even. But this process is long. It can take days to go through each event until a room is clean. It's exhausting but it's so worth it.

I'm sure someone sees me barely interacting with the outside world and thinks I'm doing it for selfish reasons. Well I am. I need to process what happened to me because I don't want to be haunted the rest of my life. I have to take care of my mental health or it will kill me. If it's selfish to take care of my health first, then fucking yes I'm selfish. If it's selfish to manage my emotions and my health then fine. But it's not selfish. I am in fact helping my family and friends as well as myself by deconstructing and dealing with trauma. By dealing with it, I won't harm others by keeping shitty toxic views that don't help me or those around me. 

Healing is very difficult and a lot of people spend their lives avoiding that because of it. Don't ever feel bad for taking care of yourself. 

Saturday, February 8, 2020

projects, updates

My computer is back, I'm feeling better, and the PTSD symptoms have started to roll back as well. I been working on making some coasters, one will be H2O molecules and they will actually show polarity. I've also been painting coasters and pendants again. I recently made two round pendants of a plate of micrococcus Luteus. I hope to make more agar plate looking pendants because I like to layer stuff in resin and making mini agar plates would be really fun.

I've been working on the animals for Albia² and got a few done. I will be back to broadcasting creatures and testing COBs probably in the next few days. I'm hoping to have enough recordings to practice editing with.

Ketamine has really helped my pain and I'm able to reduce a few meds. I definitely don't need as much pain meds, and I been able to do art more frequently. It really helped my depression too. I highly recommend it if you have chronic pain and mental illness, but also do your own research.

Ahh I missed my computer, so happy to have it humming in the background again.