Thursday, April 11, 2019

Some days are easier than others

Some days my body is in so much pain I can't really sleep. Other days I'm too exhausted to stay awake even with an 7 or higher pain, and I just struggle to stay asleep.

Today my body is on fire. I irritated my ulnar nerve so one and a half of my fingers got electricity shooting through it this second. I'm actually using Swype keyboard because then I can use a pen or just my finger to write, instead of typing everything. I could even use voice if I wanted and I probably should. Anyway, this nerve pain blows and I'm fucking over it.

I'm going to need to try another pain management place because with the EDS diagnosis it should help them take me seriously. But I was also basically semi conscious during those last couple months at work and no one helped me then so I have a lot of doubts. I just fucking can't anymore with this nerve pain. It's so bad I want to cut my arm off.

I think the worst thing about this is I painted for a couple hours and my reward is this bullshit pins and needle garbage all the way down my arm. I wanted to fucking paint so my body says "fuck you for making me do things".

My mental health is okay ish but lately I have been feeling very little hope because my body sucks so much. I had to give up on my dreams of being in the medical field at all. But after my burnout it's impossible to go back. Maybe I'll be able to get the correct meds so I can work in the lab again part time but I really doubt any one is going to help. Maybe I could work in a wheelchair, but I really doubt I'll get hired. Regardless of the law, people would not hire me knowing I'm disabled. I had enough discrimination at the Cleveland clinic for my partial disability, and every lab was real excited about me until they learned I had limitations. That's just how the fucking US is.

Someone just buy me some art supplies for my store so I can stop thinking about how much everything is stacked against me. I am afraid to hope for anything anymore.

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