Saturday, November 20, 2021

Lol I already fucked up

I unfortunately fell asleep early last night before I got around to write this post, but now is as good a time as ever to start it.

I've been playing around with bot timers in stream elements and have been getting a lot of nice feedback on them. I wanted a bot to post uplifting messages of self esteem, healing, mental health facts, and other things, and they seem to be doing well.

I talked to my therapist yesterday afternoon. I realized that even though I've been getting a lot of positive feedback, it's taking time to settle in my brain that it's positive, because I've spent so much of my childhood and adult life being misunderstood. I'm still waiting for someone to say that its not positive at all or it's making everyone feel bad. It's just a faded echo of the toxic crap I pushed out of my life. I at least feel relief that it's doing what I want, but I want to feel happy it's successful. Sometimes it takes a minute for one to get there. I hope it's more soon. It's a leftover of when I was conditioned to destroy myself for others conveniences. The spark is there that I'm doing good though.

Facebook has been more and more of a mess and I don't want to use it anymore. I'm going to be transferring anything I have on there until I can close it down. I've been interested in making a discord for a while so I'll prob post links to it soon. I still have Twitter, this blog, and streaming, so my online presence will still be there. 

I scheduled an appointment with a dysautonomia neurologist so I get to do all the fun tests to see how much dysautonomia is effecting my body. Hopefully this will help me figure out why I'm dropping weight so fast without a change in diet. Things are coming together for my health issues, at least in finding out why it's doing this. I hope water therapy helps me build back my muscles.

*Content warning for the paragraph below: childhood sexual assault mention. You can skip to the next paragraph if you need.
I've been having a lot of nightmares but I have been able to slip into lucid occasionally. Most of them have been me in a haunted house trying to pack my shit up without getting murdered. Usually I can only get into lucid if I'm leaving the house. I been handling the trauma memories more in my waking time so I guess it seems my unconscious is letting go of it gradually so I can manage it. I think digging through my boxed up traumas is still something I can do in dreams, but now it's deeper, more traumatic shit now. So I need to pace myself because I'm remembering very upsetting stuff and can't go through as many boxes as I did before. It's been rough but I'm starting to understand some things more clearly in regards to the abuse I survived. I think there is a very old memory of sexual assault from when I was very little. It's the only thing that makes sense to me at this moment with the memories I do have and the way I acted as a very young kid. I don't know if ill ever remember what happened, but I am trying to process it. I'm working with my therapist on this, so don't worry, but I want to be honest about something as difficult as this. I've survived a lot of rape and this is still difficult to process. In some situations you don't get all the answers, but I at least can understand how this piece fits into the patterns of abuse I survived, and why I ended up fawning over abusers in my life. Still sucks, but I'm learning something at least.
*end of content warning*

I been reading a lot of Nahuatl philosophy and I'm seeing how I was taught that balance in life is key. I'm starting to think I'm genderfluid more and more but I've kind of always felt it was right for me. I guess I'm really in the middle of trying to walk on the slippery earth lol. It's nice to find out that what comes to you naturally came to thousands of people before you. Always remember my brown and Black friends, that you came from generations of life and celebration; be proud of who you are. Your culture is beautiful and so important. Nurture and grow your history in whatever way you can. I'm finding ways every day just by reading about my ancestors, but other things I do too.

Hopefully I can do a stream this weekend, because I've been enjoying Omori and Undertale, and would like to continue either story. Mickey seems to enjoy sitting in my lap for those too, so my dog will be visible in stream as well. Can't wait to see you there!

No comments:

Post a Comment