Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Therapy did some good

All my characters in my book are based on me or other people. I'm currently working through a lot of abuse and neglect I had experienced as a kid, which means I'm fucked up in the arena of asking for help. I don't want to be, but I have a lot of psychological blocks there that I am working on getting past. However I did manage to beg strangers on the internet for money to help pay my medical bills, so I am kind of getting the hang of asking for help.

I have suffered so much abuse from every aspect of my life. I honestly am not sure why I am still alive. I live in pain every day which is incredibly traumatic. The physical pain is enough to make me want to end everything, but the toll on my soul is devastating. I have suffered sexual assault, domestic abuse, neglect, even some physical assault. These are all incredibly terrible just on their own and it kills people daily. And I have met some incredibly strong people who have suffered much worse than I have and I marvel at their strength. Its not a competition, terrible things happen to people all the time because life is fucking terrible. Suffering is not just the human condition, but every living things condition.

We are hardwired to default with happiness because life is so fucking bad. People who are not depressed actually see positive things more frequently than the negative things. Life is so cruel and existence is so awful, we literally had to evolve to look for the good things in life so we wouldn't kill ourselves. Innocent creatures suffer and die every second of every day and that is terrible.

I have nightmares sometimes, where I am supposed to clean up these aquariums and cages full of pets that have starved to death in their cages. When I'm particularly emotional, they are half evaporated tanks that have dead fish floating in the little water that is left. When I really want to torture myself, I see mummified remains of lizards or mice or whatever else can live in a terrarium. The worst though is when I dream about dozens of bird cages that are just filled with dying birds or dead birds and a few that are somehow alive among the corpses and I try to save them every time. Why do I try to save them every time even when I know I'm in a nightmare? I can't let suffering happen in front of me and I want to unleash torment on those that inflict suffering for fun. So I always try to save those poor dying animals that didn't deserve what happened to them. Just like I never deserved the abuse I suffered.

There is one thing that pain has shown me. The most divine thing you can do is have empathy and care for others. Someone can be experiencing something I could never understand, but I understand pain. I can recognize pain even if I cant understand the details, and everything knows what suffering is, so I can connect that empathy there. Everyone deserves kindness because life is fucking cruel.

Someone is hurting you because they are hurting. Also, you hurt people because you are hurting too. Its good to recognize where you have hurt someone else and if you can apologize for it, you should.

Thanks for coming to my therapy writings.

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