Well I had a stupid meltdown today.
My insurance told me that they didn't approve covering one of my doctors visits because the office put the wrong code for the visit. I tried to explain that my insurance would cover the visit if they resubmit it with the correct code for the visit and everything from that would be covered. But instead I was stonewalled, treated like garbage, and also interrupted every time I tried to explain what I needed them to do. Dude, I am so fucking tired of insurance companies and doctors offices pushing me around because one or the other person just doesn't care that I cant pay the bill anyway. My insurance will cover it, but because I am easily confused due to my illness it makes it impossible for me to manage the health system. I am ridiculed and pushed around instead of helped. What the fuck happened to this place that I cant get some simple help with fixing a mistake that other people made? Why do we treat people this way?
Part of being easily confused is frustrating because I know when someone is being shitty with me, but I cant process anything in response. Treat me like a human being. Give me some time to understand what you're saying. I'm not an idiot, but I cant process information very well. I am tired of people being shitty and condescending to me because I have problems communicating.
I am too sick to work. I can't work in what I used to love because my inability to remember can kill someone. Being confused easily is not a good thing when you are trying to test biological samples. At this point it's so bad that I can hardly remember what task I was going to do five seconds before. Its not a problem with me when I'm working on coding, but that can be real bad for someone who tests blood for a living.
Also because I have problems trying to remember, I actually forgot to pay my utilities last month because I literally thought I paid it. Now they want the money for two months worth of utilities in my gas and electric and we cant afford it because we were already living paycheck to paycheck. I have like $300 due in utilities and I have to hold that off because I needed to take my sick cat to the vet.
I am powerless. I feel so fucking powerless because my disease makes it impossible for me to manage my life that most people would never have problems trying to resolve. I have two degrees and an associates and I cant work even though I have so many qualifications. I feel like I was put in someone else and any accomplishments I made don't matter at all. I would like to get help so I can be put on disability but I'm too confused to manage the system on my own. I need help but I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I have considered divorcing my husband so I can get on SSI because we make too much. I cant even get food stamps because we make too much. I have lost 20 pounds because I have to stretch my food budget for myself so I can take care of my animals. I used to be able to take care of them. I am afraid that I can't be the fur mom they deserve anymore because I am in a broken body. My bird is bonded to me which means a lot of distress for her if I give her to someone else that can take better care of her. I shouldn't have to throw everything in my life away because I am too sick. Besides, my animals have been one of the only things that kept me alive. Do I need to sacrifice everything that comforts me when I have so little to hang on to in the first place? I don't have enough money to pay my bills so apparently that's what I need to do.
I don't know how to get help. I'm afraid that this disease is going to kill me. The pain I feel constantly drives me to consider ending everything. My powerless life makes me want to just cease to exist. Somehow I am still around regardless of all that, but my disease is going to kill me one way or the other.
This reality sucks.
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