Wednesday, March 20, 2019

If I die, it was because I couldn't take the pain anymore

I am no longer on muscle relaxers which means my muscles are gonna start twitching again. My fatigue is going to triple and I already feel like I'm carrying a hundred extra pounds. Most of my days are going to be spent in bed because I'm either too dizzy to stand or the fatigue is so bad I sleep for most of the day. This is what I get for asking for help, getting my meds taken away again. I'm never going to have a normal life if doctors keep ignoring what I'm going through. Is the pain not enough? Is me not working enough? Is me spending the rest of my life in bed enough to get them to fucking do something? Probably not. The only medical relief I can get for the pain is medical marijuana, and even if it magically made it so I could function again, ill never be able to work because people can still get fired for using medical. So either way I'm fucked. What's the fucking point in being alive if doctors won't listen to me. I have genuine pain and fatigue that interferes with my daily life and I'm ready to pack it in and just die cuz I can't deal with it anymore. I have no quality of life anymore because I can't even enjoy simple things like doing art or writing. Instead I have to think about my pain constantly or drug myself to sleep so I don't have to deal with it. But even then, the pain still wakes me up every couple of hours no matter how much otc sleep meds I take.

If I end up dying, I love you all but I couldn't take the pain anymore. I just want to be able to enjoy some games and make some art and grow a beautiful garden. I just want to be able to write again, even if I could never work again. It's not your fault, it's on the health system. I've been struggling for over a decade to get treated and I'm back to no meds again, so clearly they won't help me. What do you do? I just want my suffering to be reduced enough so I could do things that make me happy, but I can't even have that. The world still has beauty, but my suffering keeps me from enjoying it. It's a sad day when an artist can't create anymore.

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