Lol I already fucked up

I unfortunately fell asleep early last night before I got around to write this post, but now is as good a time as ever to start it.

I've been playing around with bot timers in stream elements and have been getting a lot of nice feedback on them. I wanted a bot to post uplifting messages of self esteem, healing, mental health facts, and other things, and they seem to be doing well.

I talked to my therapist yesterday afternoon. I realized that even though I've been getting a lot of positive feedback, it's taking time to settle in my brain that it's positive, because I've spent so much of my childhood and adult life being misunderstood. I'm still waiting for someone to say that its not positive at all or it's making everyone feel bad. It's just a faded echo of the toxic crap I pushed out of my life. I at least feel relief that it's doing what I want, but I want to feel happy it's successful. Sometimes it takes a minute for one to get there. I hope it's more soon. It's a leftover of when I was conditioned to destroy myself for others conveniences. The spark is there that I'm doing good though.

Facebook has been more and more of a mess and I don't want to use it anymore. I'm going to be transferring anything I have on there until I can close it down. I've been interested in making a discord for a while so I'll prob post links to it soon. I still have Twitter, this blog, and streaming, so my online presence will still be there. 

I scheduled an appointment with a dysautonomia neurologist so I get to do all the fun tests to see how much dysautonomia is effecting my body. Hopefully this will help me figure out why I'm dropping weight so fast without a change in diet. Things are coming together for my health issues, at least in finding out why it's doing this. I hope water therapy helps me build back my muscles.

*Content warning for the paragraph below: childhood sexual assault mention. You can skip to the next paragraph if you need.

I've been having a lot of nightmares but I have been able to slip into lucid occasionally. Most of them have been me in a haunted house trying to pack my shit up without getting murdered. Usually I can only get into lucid if I'm leaving the house. I been handling the trauma memories more in my waking time so I guess it seems my unconscious is letting go of it gradually so I can manage it. I think digging through my boxed up traumas is still something I can do in dreams, but now it's deeper, more traumatic shit now. So I need to pace myself because I'm remembering very upsetting stuff and can't go through as many boxes as I did before. It's been rough but I'm starting to understand some things more clearly in regards to the abuse I survived. I think there is a very old memory of sexual assault from when I was very little. It's the only thing that makes sense to me at this moment with the memories I do have and the way I acted as a very young kid. I don't know if ill ever remember what happened, but I am trying to process it. I'm working with my therapist on this, so don't worry, but I want to be honest about something as difficult as this. I've survived a lot of rape and this is still difficult to process. In some situations you don't get all the answers, but I at least can understand how this piece fits into the patterns of abuse I survived, and why I ended up fawning over abusers in my life. Still sucks, but I'm learning something at least.

*end of content warning*

I been reading a lot of Nahuatl philosophy and I'm seeing how I was taught that balance in life is key. I'm starting to think I'm genderfluid more and more but I've kind of always felt it was right for me. I guess I'm really in the middle of trying to walk on the slippery earth lol. It's nice to find out that what comes to you naturally came to thousands of people before you. Always remember my brown and Black friends, that you came from generations of life and celebration; be proud of who you are. Your culture is beautiful and so important. Nurture and grow your history in whatever way you can. I'm finding ways every day just by reading about my ancestors, but other things I do too.

Hopefully I can do a stream this weekend, because I've been enjoying Omori and Undertale, and would like to continue either story. Mickey seems to enjoy sitting in my lap for those too, so my dog will be visible in stream as well. Can't wait to see you there!

wow

LOL it's been a very long time since I last updated. I promise there was a lot of good reason, but I also have some good news too.

Shortly before or after the last post I had, my mom was scheduled for surgery to remove a benign brain tumor. I quickly became her medical power of attorney before the surgery. They were able to remove most of the tumor and she had radiation to remove the rest. I have essentially been caring for her since then because she cant drive anymore, cant schedule appointments, and has difficulty caring for herself. I didn't really have time for my own projects and some of my health stuff has fallen by the wayside. I ended up not really posting like I had been wanting to, because I was struggling to deal with caring for her while also being her emotional punching bag, and it brought up a lot of unhealed trauma I experienced in childhood. Things have been pretty hard, and even though I haven't posted much about it, I've been going through a lot. 

At least I've been able to work with my therapist about the traumas I'm remembering, and I have been writing a lot of stuff about dealing with it. Luckily I have a wonderful therapist that encourages me to find my voice and encourages my art process through my trauma.  In the meanwhile I have been working on my house in my lucid dreams and working through memories, but sometimes the house gets fucked up again when I have something triggering happen in my day. I'm slowly accessing painful memories that I tried to forget of my childhood and it can be really difficult to process.

At this point she needs more care than I can provide, so she is moving in with my brother in another state. But because life totally blows up on me at the worst times, my husband told me in June this year that he wants a divorce, and he doesn't want to work anything out. Naturally I am feeling very abandoned which is a really bad trigger for me because of past trauma. I don't really want to have a relationship with him either now because his actions. When someone calls me "too much," then I don't want to be around them. He keeps fucking up my pronouns too, after I had been very generous and understanding of him needing an adjustment period, and being misgendered every fucking day in my own house is agonizing at best. He has not once called me by my name that I have gone through and legally changed, which took months. I've been going by Xiuhcoatl for more than a year socially. I explained many times how to pronounce it properly. All my friends that I havent seen since the pandemic started, are using the Xiuhcoatl name for me with proper pronouns and pronunciation, but he has yet to call me by it. This is a deep hurt that I just cannot describe accurately. If he really loved me, he would try. My own covert-narcissist mother with memory problems can call me Xiuhcoatl, but my own husband cant? The hurt is indescribable. I have many conflicting feelings and they are all awful. I have been slowly packing stuff up when I can manage to do it.

I cannot work anymore due to my mental and physical health, so I am trying to get on to disability, and I am looking at HUD housing. I'm not sure how long this process will take but I have my psychiatrist on board for the mental health. I just have to navigate healthcare to get evidence that I cant work physically either. It shouldn't be hard, I have a long history of pain complaints and other issues that come from hEDS. But the process is difficult to navigate. I still need to call a disability lawyer but that is on my list of things to do. I'm honestly terrified, because there is a lot of uncertainties. I want to move out as soon as I can though, because staying here is too painful.

I am looking forward to a better environment to live in that I can control and maintain. I can get back to working on art and other creative outlets. I have been doing a lot of trauma work in the last few years, and I want to turn all this shit I survived into something beautiful. I have been working on world building that's going to be the setting for a few books I want to write, and I think I want to start using this blog to start sharing stuff about it. I also want to start using this blog to have some updates for my Twitch and YouTube channels and kind of have it as a central way to share things until I can get my website programmed the way I want. I have put my Etsy store on pause until I move into the new place. Then I have a bunch of things I want to make and new techniques I want to try. 

If you want to hear me talk about my dreams, and all kinds of other stuff, I stream Creatures and chat on Tuesdays around noon (eastern time) on Twitch. I have links on side bar. Thursdays at noon, I play whatever game I feel like, and I have a decent number of games to choose from. I would like to add Saturdays or Sundays to the schedule too, but I haven't decided what the theme for the day should be. I kind of want to do a craft type stream, where I work on jewelry, or art, or sewing stuff, but that would have to wait until after I move and can expand my setup. In the meanwhile I have a lot of games to play so it might just be another random game stream day until I get moved.

Sooooooo there's a lot of things to look forward to, but it might be a little bit before I get there. In the meanwhile, I will start posting here at least once a week, probably on Fridays, and adding more content that I've been working on. I'm very excited to share more, because I have so many ideas and stories and characters that I believe people will love. And if the things I talk about will help just one person, it would be worth it. 

Thanks for reading, and I hope you're having a decent day.

updates

Sorry for the lack of updates, I'm still alive. I been having some more health problems because it's fall and my symptoms are always are worse then. My doc and I suspect that I have MCAS, which I have posted some info graphs below for you guys. People with hEDS and POTS/Dysautonomia often suffer from Mast Cell Activation Syndrome. I fit the criteria I just need to get the testing done, but this is not a fun disease. I can have and develop anaphylaxis reactions to basically everything. I have to go on this low histamine diet and cut out pretty much everything that I love or risk being constantly ill. Fresh fruits, vegetables, and fresh meat or fresh fish mostly. I can't do anything fun. No alcohol or fermented beverages, no fermented foods, no pickled or canned foods, no dried fruit, no processed or smoked meats, no aged cheeses, no shellfish, no nuts, no beans and pulses, no chocolate, no vinegar, no preservatives, no artificial coloring, no citrus, no nightshade vegetables, no black or green tea, but at least I have coffee! I can't eat out ever again, which I probably wasn't going to anyway, since I nearly always get sick at this point. I am just so fucking mad that there is so little that I can eat. Going gluten free was bad enough, I dunno if I can cut out everything I love to eat. But at least if I end up needing a feeding tube my best friend will already have one and we can be tube buddies.

I just want a tiny mold free house that I can hobble around with a backyard for my dog and space for a garden.

If you can spare anything, please check out my website and donate to my Amazon wishlist for various medical supplies I need. I'm constantly updating it with various things that could help make my life a little easier and a little more accessible, or will help relieve symptoms. Now here's some facts!

If you're suffering, keep going

I'm sorry, I know I have been screaming about how difficult shit is here. It's been a ridiculous struggle.

I might have secure housing soon. I'll have a basement but everything is on one floor. This is going to improve my energy a lot and I'll be able to work on things I want to work on again.

I have my diagnosis and I'm working on disability paperwork.

My psych meds are at a great spot. They aren't too high so I'm not experiencing increased body heat, which was why the last few summers I've been having a really hard time with the heat. This year I don't feel like I'm constantly sweating, thank the gods.

Therapy is at the point that I don't need to go every week anymore.

I am working on things I like even though it hurts to do it.

Pain meds are still out of my grasp but kratom and medical marijuana seems to be helping some of the pain. I am at least able to get my hygiene taken care of.

Did you know that most of those tv infomercial things are for people with disabilities? Lots of stuff like slapchop and the vegetable salad bowl cutter help people like me who don't have much strength be able to prepare food. Even the snuggy was made for limited mobility people. I'm still finding more stuff that can be useful and I'll put it in a wishlist. I used my grabber the other day to clean up stuff off the floor and my apartment isn't a hot mess anymore. These mobility supportive stuff really helps.

I have opened up AlbiaSquared again and started working on animals again. Some of these guys came out beautiful and I can't wait to release what I'm working on.

I have added more stuff to my Etsy store so please look! I really love the pieces I have made and I hope you'll consider picking something up or commissioning me with an idea for a nerdy piece. I've started making two more coasters yesterday. I'll also be streaming some of the code work this week for AlbiaSquared. Please consider donating! I also opened up a channel in discord so you can talk to me about any bugs you found.

Things are improving but it's still rough every day. I'm happy to be doing things I enjoy again.

yikes

I think I might be screwed.

We have a month left to try to find a home and put an offer in. Most of the houses I have been having problems with is because they are not accessible enough or they have something that violates FHA. Hooray for discrimination!

Capitalism doesn't care about us, because I have genetic health problems that cant be controlled.

The planet is on fucking fire though, and I'm watching society collapse in real time.

I have lost all my fucks. I have no more fucks to give.

Maybe someone will magically buy me an accessible home, and I wont have to panic about having a stable living situation. The most accessible houses are in the 80k range and we are only able to look at 75k or less because I cant work anymore. We cant rent anywhere on Jeff's income alone. I dont know what to do anymore. I just want to live in west Cleveland. I just want to live my last miserable years in one fucking place while my body falls apart, and be able to use a wheelchair to get around in my house.

People with EDS age faster in some ways. I lose my mobility as joints become less stable and more prone to dislocating or shifting. I dislocate or partially dislocate large joints at least once a month. My ribs slipped a couple times this past month just from how I was sitting; I will be just chilling working on art, or just watching fucking Netflix, and I suddenly can't breathe. I hate it.

When is society going to pick up disabled people and support them? Probably never.

I'll probably be homeless eventually, as happens to most people with health problems.

my life is fucked lmaaoooo

Frustration

If I wasn't disabled I would have enough money to take my dog to the vet and we wouldn't be struggling to find a home. If anyone can spare please donate. https://www.paypal.me/ChristineShara

Some days are easier than others

Some days my body is in so much pain I can't really sleep. Other days I'm too exhausted to stay awake even with an 7 or higher pain, and I just struggle to stay asleep.

Today my body is on fire. I irritated my ulnar nerve so one and a half of my fingers got electricity shooting through it this second. I'm actually using Swype keyboard because then I can use a pen or just my finger to write, instead of typing everything. I could even use voice if I wanted and I probably should. Anyway, this nerve pain blows and I'm fucking over it.

I'm going to need to try another pain management place because with the EDS diagnosis it should help them take me seriously. But I was also basically semi conscious during those last couple months at work and no one helped me then so I have a lot of doubts. I just fucking can't anymore with this nerve pain. It's so bad I want to cut my arm off.

I think the worst thing about this is I painted for a couple hours and my reward is this bullshit pins and needle garbage all the way down my arm. I wanted to fucking paint so my body says "fuck you for making me do things".

My mental health is okay ish but lately I have been feeling very little hope because my body sucks so much. I had to give up on my dreams of being in the medical field at all. But after my burnout it's impossible to go back. Maybe I'll be able to get the correct meds so I can work in the lab again part time but I really doubt any one is going to help. Maybe I could work in a wheelchair, but I really doubt I'll get hired. Regardless of the law, people would not hire me knowing I'm disabled. I had enough discrimination at the Cleveland clinic for my partial disability, and every lab was real excited about me until they learned I had limitations. That's just how the fucking US is.

Someone just buy me some art supplies for my store so I can stop thinking about how much everything is stacked against me. I am afraid to hope for anything anymore.

If I die, it was because I couldn't take the pain anymore

I am no longer on muscle relaxers which means my muscles are gonna start twitching again. My fatigue is going to triple and I already feel like I'm carrying a hundred extra pounds. Most of my days are going to be spent in bed because I'm either too dizzy to stand or the fatigue is so bad I sleep for most of the day. This is what I get for asking for help, getting my meds taken away again. I'm never going to have a normal life if doctors keep ignoring what I'm going through. Is the pain not enough? Is me not working enough? Is me spending the rest of my life in bed enough to get them to fucking do something? Probably not. The only medical relief I can get for the pain is medical marijuana, and even if it magically made it so I could function again, ill never be able to work because people can still get fired for using medical. So either way I'm fucked. What's the fucking point in being alive if doctors won't listen to me. I have genuine pain and fatigue that interferes with my daily life and I'm ready to pack it in and just die cuz I can't deal with it anymore. I have no quality of life anymore because I can't even enjoy simple things like doing art or writing. Instead I have to think about my pain constantly or drug myself to sleep so I don't have to deal with it. But even then, the pain still wakes me up every couple of hours no matter how much otc sleep meds I take.

If I end up dying, I love you all but I couldn't take the pain anymore. I just want to be able to enjoy some games and make some art and grow a beautiful garden. I just want to be able to write again, even if I could never work again. It's not your fault, it's on the health system. I've been struggling for over a decade to get treated and I'm back to no meds again, so clearly they won't help me. What do you do? I just want my suffering to be reduced enough so I could do things that make me happy, but I can't even have that. The world still has beauty, but my suffering keeps me from enjoying it. It's a sad day when an artist can't create anymore.

Shameless Store Promo

I updated my Etsy store. My original idea for the blood pendants was to have the letter in with the red cells instead of painting it on. I got lucky and eventually found a mold with the right size letters to use, and I think they are just so much better. I have been messing around with the alcohol ink for the resin too and have made some really nice color mixes. I think they are just perfect:

I would like to use some of the bigger pendents that people can put their initials in. Ill have to see how much space they take up in the different pendents, but there are some large ones so I'm pretty sure that two names could be in there or a couple short words. This circle piece could definitely fit some initials in it with the blood type.

If you want to donate to my store you can go to this wishlist. I wouldn't have been able to do it without your donations, so please consider sending me more stuff to work with. I am slowly getting through all my shop ideas, more or less. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of energy because of my health to work every day, but I'm slowly getting there. Art brings me joy, which helps a lot.

Be kind to each other, everyone is in pain.

Who I Am

In sorting through and trying to deal with the trauma I've been in, I've realized a couple things.

I was always a storyteller. I unfortunately was convinced that I would never make money writing, that it was something I could do in my spare time (guess what, you cant), and I need to get a "real" job. I'm good with science and my dad really pushed medicine on me. I could do it, learn it, understand it, and everything, but ultimately it wasn't giving me the joy I found with writing early on. I did find joy in helping patients, working behind the scenes to help people get their diagnoses, and I helped a lot of people.

So now I cant work, because I'm sick. I have some kind of issue with my collagen because I sublux my large joints often, and every single joint in my body cracks. The joints in my ribcage pop and get put out of place. I can easily move my patella around quite easily which I recently found out not everyone can do. When I worked at the Clinic I subluxed my hip at least once AT WORK, and had to look up a video to try to put my hip back in right when I took a bathroom break to fix it. There's also this cool thing I can do where if I pull a drawer open, my index finger and pinky will shoot electricity straight to my elbow. I was also suffering from being constantly on the brink of passing out. I stopped seeing out the periphery of my vision because it was always just a constant creeping darkness. Compression socks have helped but there are still days that no matter what I do to fix my BP it doesn't work, because my veins are just not elastic enough to go back to normal anymore. I was literally working myself into pieces. Still, I miss that job a lot, the friends I made especially.

I'm looking into housing that we can afford on my partners income because I clearly cant work anymore, I literally fall apart. But I at least still have my writing. I'm going to finally finish my novel, but I suck at writing all the time so I am trying to write a little every day until it becomes more routine. Hopefully I'll be able to finish my book this year.

I abandoned my own dreams so easily, which is sad, but I was in a lot of pain for a long time and suffering alone without much help. At least I have all the time in the world now to write my heart out. I have even taken up other things that I always dreamed of having, like a garden. I would be incredibly happy to have a greenhouse because I want to grow a devil's hand tree and some other tropical plants, for spiritual stuff. I want to grow mexican marigold because I want to make a real Dia de Los Muertos altar this year, so I can spend time with my deceased friends and family.

Before I get to cracking on my novel, I think I want to do some short stories on Aztec gods. I have been reading into Aztec mythology again and I would like to write a story about them kind of like how Neil Gaiman did American Gods. The complex mythology is something that no one really talks about, and its so cool, how could you not? I was also thinking of trying out some public domain stories and what I can make with them. I just want to write more and I have been saving creative writing pins to play with in an attempt to write every day.

For my next EMDR session I think I want to work on some of the racist stuff I had to deal with as a kid and now. There's enough racism I deal with on a daily basis, and it was pretty bad when I was a kid. I could also work on my traumatic relationship with the piece-of-shit-who-shall-not-be-named, or my sociopathic ex Jack, or the trauma of just working through the american health care system. I dunno, maybe I'll roll some dice to decide.

Hopefully in the next few days I'll be writing in this every day. <3

Therapy did some good

All my characters in my book are based on me or other people. I'm currently working through a lot of abuse and neglect I had experienced as a kid, which means I'm fucked up in the arena of asking for help. I don't want to be, but I have a lot of psychological blocks there that I am working on getting past. However I did manage to beg strangers on the internet for money to help pay my medical bills, so I am kind of getting the hang of asking for help.

I have suffered so much abuse from every aspect of my life. I honestly am not sure why I am still alive. I live in pain every day which is incredibly traumatic. The physical pain is enough to make me want to end everything, but the toll on my soul is devastating. I have suffered sexual assault, domestic abuse, neglect, even some physical assault. These are all incredibly terrible just on their own and it kills people daily. And I have met some incredibly strong people who have suffered much worse than I have and I marvel at their strength. Its not a competition, terrible things happen to people all the time because life is fucking terrible. Suffering is not just the human condition, but every living things condition.

We are hardwired to default with happiness because life is so fucking bad. People who are not depressed actually see positive things more frequently than the negative things. Life is so cruel and existence is so awful, we literally had to evolve to look for the good things in life so we wouldn't kill ourselves. Innocent creatures suffer and die every second of every day and that is terrible.

I have nightmares sometimes, where I am supposed to clean up these aquariums and cages full of pets that have starved to death in their cages. When I'm particularly emotional, they are half evaporated tanks that have dead fish floating in the little water that is left. When I really want to torture myself, I see mummified remains of lizards or mice or whatever else can live in a terrarium. The worst though is when I dream about dozens of bird cages that are just filled with dying birds or dead birds and a few that are somehow alive among the corpses and I try to save them every time. Why do I try to save them every time even when I know I'm in a nightmare? I can't let suffering happen in front of me and I want to unleash torment on those that inflict suffering for fun. So I always try to save those poor dying animals that didn't deserve what happened to them. Just like I never deserved the abuse I suffered.

There is one thing that pain has shown me. The most divine thing you can do is have empathy and care for others. Someone can be experiencing something I could never understand, but I understand pain. I can recognize pain even if I cant understand the details, and everything knows what suffering is, so I can connect that empathy there. Everyone deserves kindness because life is fucking cruel.

Someone is hurting you because they are hurting. Also, you hurt people because you are hurting too. Its good to recognize where you have hurt someone else and if you can apologize for it, you should.

Thanks for coming to my therapy writings.

Please Ignore this Desperate Plea for Help

Well I had a stupid meltdown today.

My insurance told me that they didn't approve covering one of my doctors visits because the office put the wrong code for the visit. I tried to explain that my insurance would cover the visit if they resubmit it with the correct code for the visit and everything from that would be covered. But instead I was stonewalled, treated like garbage, and also interrupted every time I tried to explain what I needed them to do. Dude, I am so fucking tired of insurance companies and doctors offices pushing me around because one or the other person just doesn't care that I cant pay the bill anyway. My insurance will cover it, but because I am easily confused due to my illness it makes it impossible for me to manage the health system. I am ridiculed and pushed around instead of helped. What the fuck happened to this place that I cant get some simple help with fixing a mistake that other people made? Why do we treat people this way?

Part of being easily confused is frustrating because I know when someone is being shitty with me, but I cant process anything in response. Treat me like a human being. Give me some time to understand what you're saying. I'm not an idiot, but I cant process information very well. I am tired of people being shitty and condescending to me because I have problems communicating.

I am too sick to work. I can't work in what I used to love because my inability to remember can kill someone. Being confused easily is not a good thing when you are trying to test biological samples. At this point it's so bad that I can hardly remember what task I was going to do five seconds before. Its not a problem with me when I'm working on coding, but that can be real bad for someone who tests blood for a living.

Also because I have problems trying to remember, I actually forgot to pay my utilities last month because I literally thought I paid it. Now they want the money for two months worth of utilities in my gas and electric and we cant afford it because we were already living paycheck to paycheck. I have like $300 due in utilities and I have to hold that off because I needed to take my sick cat to the vet.

I am powerless. I feel so fucking powerless because my disease makes it impossible for me to manage my life that most people would never have problems trying to resolve. I have two degrees and an associates and I cant work even though I have so many qualifications. I feel like I was put in someone else and any accomplishments I made don't matter at all. I would like to get help so I can be put on disability but I'm too confused to manage the system on my own. I need help but I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I have considered divorcing my husband so I can get on SSI because we make too much. I cant even get food stamps because we make too much. I have lost 20 pounds because I have to stretch my food budget for myself so I can take care of my animals. I used to be able to take care of them. I am afraid that I can't be the fur mom they deserve anymore because I am in a broken body. My bird is bonded to me which means a lot of distress for her if I give her to someone else that can take better care of her. I shouldn't have to throw everything in my life away because I am too sick. Besides, my animals have been one of the only things that kept me alive. Do I need to sacrifice everything that comforts me when I have so little to hang on to in the first place? I don't have enough money to pay my bills so apparently that's what I need to do.

I don't know how to get help. I'm afraid that this disease is going to kill me. The pain I feel constantly drives me to consider ending everything. My powerless life makes me want to just cease to exist. Somehow I am still around regardless of all that, but my disease is going to kill me one way or the other.

This reality sucks.

Everything hurts and I'm dying

The last two weeks have been really rough on me. I been around a 9 most days, and barely have been able to get out of bed. Been averaging 500 steps for the whole day. I am so miserable. I tried a percocet to see if it would help my pain. It did nothing at all. So really this tells me I should be on stronger pain meds, because whatever I'm doing isn't doing shit to help with the pain. I'm at a complete loss. I also managed to be late on some bills because I thought I paid them, but my fibro fog brain was just tricking me. I need to come up with money out of nothing because my disease screwed me over again. I have no idea what to do. Being disabled is so hard and if I want to get SSI I discovered today that I likely need to get a divorce. This country punishes people who get sick. I didn't ask to be this way.

I'm so so so tired. I'm tired of being in pain and having no life. What can I do? I am trapped in poverty because of illness. I'm stuck in my bed because of illness. I plan to stream the next few days because I have to beg for money again. I don't see the point in trying to live in a society that punishes me for existing. I'm trapped.

I think it's time to write articles about how screwed so many of us are. It's not just me, it's so many people.

Broke and chronically ill

Well I couldn't pay my copay today for therapy. Luckily they let me pay next time.

I desperately need support so if anyone could donate so I could pay my medical bills I'd gratefully appreciate it.

Hopefully I'll stream today and maybe earn your pity for being so sick.

https://www.paypal.me/ChristineShara

I Am Alive Somehow

I need to have a serious conversation with you.

Earlier this year I almost killed myself.

Being chronically ill and trying to work full time made me sick and made me so sick I almost died.

What choice did I have? We can barely afford food right now on one income, so I have been begging friends and family for money to keep us afloat. I was fired in January and have been struggling to find work, not because I'm ready to go back but because I have to. I shouldn't be working, I can tell you that much. My body is in so much pain and in January I probably would have killed myself because my psych meds were not being well monitored at the Cleveland Clinic, even though I was doing everything they told me to do. I struggled to get them to listen to me about the meds not working, or how I needed a better time for group just to get access to my medications, but since I worked nights it was impossible to go to group. They wanted me to be there at three or four in the afternoon and they didnt have times earlier or later, which was like asking a regular day worker to show up for group at 1AM. I just wanted to have psych meds so I wouldn't kill myself. As much as group therapy helps in some situations, it wasn't enough for me and when I asked to have more one on one therapy I was refused. Instead of using all the tools I wanted to use for my own mental health I was being told no? Why?

This is not an unusual story. Chronically ill people have to deal with the struggle between being too healthy to get disability and too sick to work. Most people need to divorce their spouses otherwise they wont get their SSI, which is a bunch of shit. Our society is built around making profits, and if you cant make profits, you cant survive.

Only here in the US do people go into debt because they are sick and cant help it. Capitalism makes you pay for everything. Eyes not good at reading? You have to pay for glasses. Hard time getting around? Pay money for a medical grade cane. Want a tiny robot to vacuum your house for you? its only like a couple hundred dollars, we don't care if your legs don't work, only lazy people don't clean their own house. Have to work in bed? This table only costs 120 dollars because its got wheels to push it out of the way when you need to sleep. Not everywhere is wheelchair accessible, which limits access to houses, restaurants, things we need. Things human beings need. Vets missing limbs aren't getting their fucking check for defending this country. If you can afford insurance, you still pay a deductible to get access to your meds at a discounted price, which you still have to pay for, and if you cant afford it, NO ONE CARES.

I paid off my credit card in April. I have almost hit the limit at the end of this year. This card I only use for necessities like, taxes, medication, medical appointments, and food. I literally cant afford things I need to survive because I cant work, but I cant work because I have the bad luck of shitty health. I literally worked myself to near suicide, got fired, lost all my meds, lost my health insurance, lost every fucking thing in my life that gave me hope.

I have good insurance now, thanks to my spouse, and I still racked up all this medical debt just trying not to kill myself. I don't know how I survived not having psych meds for so long. I was sure I would die at any point because I thought I would finally snap from the excruciating pain and end everything. Once I got on insurance, I was able to see a doctor, get my psych meds, get my meds to help me walk through the pain I experience every day, and get to appointments to try and figure out what is causing my chronic pain. I have fibromyalgia diagnosed already, but I suspect something else may be related to the extreme bone and joint pain I feel all the time. So far I just have a diagnosis as chronic pain and we're struggling to find ways to deal with it.

I dont want to die anymore. I still feel pain all the time and little helps it. I'm trying to find things to do but chronic illness means I can only do a little each day. I have little hope for my situation improving and I don't think I'll be able to get disability on the fibromyalgia and chronic pain diagnoses alone. I'm trying to find answers but there's little I can do. This is a sad story but not that unusual.

I have a friend who worked herself to exhaustion. She lives in chronic pain. She also uses up all her sick days and takes time off without getting any money so she can keep her job and have enough hope to survive. I have other chronically ill friends who work themselves to the point of passing out before they will stop because they cant. We cant stop working because we wouldn't be able to get treatment just to survive. My mom should probably be retired by now and has a ton of chronic illnesses, but she still works because she cant afford to just stop. I've talked to people online who have chronic illness and are struggling to get SSI, but because they worked in the past several years they aren't eligible. No one that is chronically ill can just stop working and still get support for their health. We are completely and utterly fucked in the land of opportunity that is the United States of America.

I have student debt to pay off still, a car, rent, my one credit card, and utilities. I dont think I can go back to work because I'm not functional enough most days that I could put people in danger. I miss my job and my friends I had. I almost died but before I broke from the pressure and exhaustion and pain, I was hopeful.

Now I just hope I can get out of bed the next day, to do one thing I like; play a game, read a book, make some art, even just play with my bird.

I want to share with you my logs from the past year. I even recorded how many steps I take now, and bad days I take maybe 300 steps in the entire day. But there are many days that you can see where I take more than that, even at a a level 8 pain. It's not that the pain isn't that bad, its that I have to do things that day, regardless of the pain.

I just wanted to tell you all why I have been missing for a while. Why I haven't been active in Creatures lately. I think if you see what I have been struggling with, maybe you can soften any attitudes you have towards your own friends and family with chronic illness.

https://www.dropbox.com/s/thmq9v7800qffg2/1544063237981_Christine_Sharas_PainScale_Report.pdf?dl=0

Edit: I have my medical marijuana card btw, don't hate on that.

Some updates

I apologize for being behind again. I ended up getting distracted with school while trying to finish the world. I also ran into a problem with some of the objects not regenerating when I was testing. I basically have been rewriting all the regrowing objects so they work correctly and also so they are more efficient.

So far it has been going well. I also had to re-install windows on my desktop, so I have another place to test the world. My laptop has a little bit of a hard time installing objects sometimes, but I think its because it has not as much memory as my desktop. Everything is fine if I have the objects already installed in the world, so it seems to be more of a memory issue than a problem with the scripts.

The weather has been a little bit of an issue for me lately. It's been very cold here because of some winter storms, which has been causing some problems with my fibromyalgia. I am happy otherwise, but it can be hard to do anything when it feels like you have been beaten up everywhere.

School is going really well. I am actually doing better in blood bank than hematology 2, which I did not expect! Everything is fascinating that I am learning.

Hopefully I'll have updates soon!

Health Issues

I have been away from working on the sprites lately because I have run into several issues.

Work has been extremely busy. Also I have decided to leave work for good due to the other issue I been having, which is my health.

Aside from having pain issues because of my Fibromyalgia, I find that eating has been getting more and more painful. I have been running into a lot of nausea, vomiting, and belly pain EVERY TIME I EAT. It's horrid. It's enough to not want to eat, but that isn't really an option. So not only do I have a hard time with milk products, I get this issue with just eating anything in general. I went to the doctor, like any normal person would (at least I hope they would!).

Unfortunately the news is not very good. Post-eating issues tend to be one of two things, which is excessive stomach acid, or your gallbladder. Great. My mom had her gallbladder removed recently. I also have been taking Prilosect to try and keep the stomach issues under control but they weren't really helping. My doc gave me some Nexium and I am off for a month of seeing if it helps the stomach acid.

I am starting to find out that if I have anything greasy, my nausea and stomach pains are much worse. This wasn't a problem when I eat generally vegetarian, but since I started on the grain free I been consuming a little more meat. And potato chips, because they are tasty and grain free. I wasn't really going keto because I just wanted to see if I felt better without grains (I do), and I wanted to stick to veggie more. Regardless, more chips and more meat means more fat, or more oil/grease stuff. And it is really painful. This is also pretty common for gallbladder attacks because they are much harder to digest than things without fat, meaning more bile, meaning more gallbladder work, and if its already unhappy, that little guy really doesn't want to do anything else, and you are just making it work.

I dislike that my food options are becoming so limited now. Sometimes I want a little fatty food because when I have a hard pain day, it makes me feel a little better to have that tasty yummy stuff. and I really miss bread, and noodles, and rice, and other stuff that I can't have being grain free, or I'll risk a grain hangover (like a regular hangover, but I get it from eating food. Horrible right?). And on top of finding out how much food bothers my fibro, I am learning that I probably have a sensitive gallbladder. So now even things I expanded into to help deal with the hunger from switching off grains is making me feel worse. WHAT THE HELL? I WANT SOME GOD DAMN POTATO CHIPS! AND A BLT MAYBE!

So I am frustrated. Health is down the tubes. I have to figure out a good balance of foods that wont make my nerves set on fire and wont aggrivate my belly. I can't even handle this right now.

At least I have a break between work and going back to school; maybe I can figure out what I can do in that time span.