Sunday, March 24, 2019

Damn that's cold K





Was my broken heart 


         enough
                            for you?

No, you needed 

                            to 
             take 
        
                    everything

Was it enough to destroy my livelihood?

No,


you needed

                         to 


                            break me.


I know you 
                 
                   don't 
                                               even     care

But did you ever?

Was I foolish to let myself love you? 

We can't control who we love

No
   
                 I was not wrong

YOU
                    were wrong

You were wrong to take it from me.

                        I gave you this gentle light

                                                                    and you smiled

                                                                while you smashed it.

Wednesday, March 20, 2019

If I die, it was because I couldn't take the pain anymore

I am no longer on muscle relaxers which means my muscles are gonna start twitching again. My fatigue is going to triple and I already feel like I'm carrying a hundred extra pounds. Most of my days are going to be spent in bed because I'm either too dizzy to stand or the fatigue is so bad I sleep for most of the day. This is what I get for asking for help, getting my meds taken away again. I'm never going to have a normal life if doctors keep ignoring what I'm going through. Is the pain not enough? Is me not working enough? Is me spending the rest of my life in bed enough to get them to fucking do something? Probably not. The only medical relief I can get for the pain is medical marijuana, and even if it magically made it so I could function again, ill never be able to work because people can still get fired for using medical. So either way I'm fucked. What's the fucking point in being alive if doctors won't listen to me. I have genuine pain and fatigue that interferes with my daily life and I'm ready to pack it in and just die cuz I can't deal with it anymore. I have no quality of life anymore because I can't even enjoy simple things like doing art or writing. Instead I have to think about my pain constantly or drug myself to sleep so I don't have to deal with it. But even then, the pain still wakes me up every couple of hours no matter how much otc sleep meds I take.

If I end up dying, I love you all but I couldn't take the pain anymore. I just want to be able to enjoy some games and make some art and grow a beautiful garden. I just want to be able to write again, even if I could never work again. It's not your fault, it's on the health system. I've been struggling for over a decade to get treated and I'm back to no meds again, so clearly they won't help me. What do you do? I just want my suffering to be reduced enough so I could do things that make me happy, but I can't even have that. The world still has beauty, but my suffering keeps me from enjoying it. It's a sad day when an artist can't create anymore.

Friday, February 22, 2019

Shameless Store Promo

I updated my Etsy store. My original idea for the blood pendants was to have the letter in with the red cells instead of painting it on. I got lucky and eventually found a mold with the right size letters to use, and I think they are just so much better. I have been messing around with the alcohol ink for the resin too and have made some really nice color mixes. I think they are just perfect:


I would like to use some of the bigger pendents that people can put their initials in. Ill have to see how much space they take up in the different pendents, but there are some large ones so I'm pretty sure that two names could be in there or a couple short words. This circle piece could definitely fit some initials in it with the blood type.

If you want to donate to my store you can go to this wishlist. I wouldn't have been able to do it without your donations, so please consider sending me more stuff to work with. I am slowly getting through all my shop ideas, more or less. Unfortunately I don't have a lot of energy because of my health to work every day, but I'm slowly getting there. Art brings me joy, which helps a lot.

Be kind to each other, everyone is in pain.

Sunday, February 17, 2019

Who I Am

In sorting through and trying to deal with the trauma I've been in, I've realized a couple things.

I was always a storyteller. I unfortunately was convinced that I would never make money writing, that it was something I could do in my spare time (guess what, you cant), and I need to get a "real" job. I'm good with science and my dad really pushed medicine on me. I could do it, learn it, understand it, and everything, but ultimately it wasn't giving me the joy I found with writing early on. I did find joy in helping patients, working behind the scenes to help people get their diagnoses, and I helped a lot of people.

So now I cant work, because I'm sick. I have some kind of issue with my collagen because I sublux my large joints often, and every single joint in my body cracks. The joints in my ribcage pop and get put out of place. I can easily move my patella around quite easily which I recently found out not everyone can do. When I worked at the Clinic I subluxed my hip at least once AT WORK, and had to look up a video to try to put my hip back in right when I took a bathroom break to fix it. There's also this cool thing I can do where if I pull a drawer open, my index finger and pinky will shoot electricity straight to my elbow. I was also suffering from being constantly on the brink of passing out. I stopped seeing out the periphery of my vision because it was always just a constant creeping darkness. Compression socks have helped but there are still days that no matter what I do to fix my BP it doesn't work, because my veins are just not elastic enough to go back to normal anymore. I was literally working myself into pieces. Still, I miss that job a lot, the friends I made especially.

I'm looking into housing that we can afford on my partners income because I clearly cant work anymore, I literally fall apart. But I at least still have my writing. I'm going to finally finish my novel, but I suck at writing all the time so I am trying to write a little every day until it becomes more routine. Hopefully I'll be able to finish my book this year.

I abandoned my own dreams so easily, which is sad, but I was in a lot of pain for a long time and suffering alone without much help. At least I have all the time in the world now to write my heart out. I have even taken up other things that I always dreamed of having, like a garden. I would be incredibly happy to have a greenhouse because I want to grow a devil's hand tree and some other tropical plants, for spiritual stuff. I want to grow mexican marigold because I want to make a real Dia de Los Muertos altar this year, so I can spend time with my deceased friends and family.

Before I get to cracking on my novel, I think I want to do some short stories on Aztec gods. I have been reading into Aztec mythology again and I would like to write a story about them kind of like how Neil Gaiman did American Gods. The complex mythology is something that no one really talks about, and its so cool, how could you not? I was also thinking of trying out some public domain stories and what I can make with them. I just want to write more and I have been saving creative writing pins to play with in an attempt to write every day.

For my next EMDR session I think I want to work on some of the racist stuff I had to deal with as a kid and now. There's enough racism I deal with on a daily basis, and it was pretty bad when I was a kid. I could also work on my traumatic relationship with the piece-of-shit-who-shall-not-be-named, or my sociopathic ex Jack, or the trauma of just working through the american health care system. I dunno, maybe I'll roll some dice to decide.

Hopefully in the next few days I'll be writing in this every day. <3

Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Therapy did some good

All my characters in my book are based on me or other people. I'm currently working through a lot of abuse and neglect I had experienced as a kid, which means I'm fucked up in the arena of asking for help. I don't want to be, but I have a lot of psychological blocks there that I am working on getting past. However I did manage to beg strangers on the internet for money to help pay my medical bills, so I am kind of getting the hang of asking for help.

I have suffered so much abuse from every aspect of my life. I honestly am not sure why I am still alive. I live in pain every day which is incredibly traumatic. The physical pain is enough to make me want to end everything, but the toll on my soul is devastating. I have suffered sexual assault, domestic abuse, neglect, even some physical assault. These are all incredibly terrible just on their own and it kills people daily. And I have met some incredibly strong people who have suffered much worse than I have and I marvel at their strength. Its not a competition, terrible things happen to people all the time because life is fucking terrible. Suffering is not just the human condition, but every living things condition.

We are hardwired to default with happiness because life is so fucking bad. People who are not depressed actually see positive things more frequently than the negative things. Life is so cruel and existence is so awful, we literally had to evolve to look for the good things in life so we wouldn't kill ourselves. Innocent creatures suffer and die every second of every day and that is terrible.

I have nightmares sometimes, where I am supposed to clean up these aquariums and cages full of pets that have starved to death in their cages. When I'm particularly emotional, they are half evaporated tanks that have dead fish floating in the little water that is left. When I really want to torture myself, I see mummified remains of lizards or mice or whatever else can live in a terrarium. The worst though is when I dream about dozens of bird cages that are just filled with dying birds or dead birds and a few that are somehow alive among the corpses and I try to save them every time. Why do I try to save them every time even when I know I'm in a nightmare? I can't let suffering happen in front of me and I want to unleash torment on those that inflict suffering for fun. So I always try to save those poor dying animals that didn't deserve what happened to them. Just like I never deserved the abuse I suffered.

There is one thing that pain has shown me. The most divine thing you can do is have empathy and care for others. Someone can be experiencing something I could never understand, but I understand pain. I can recognize pain even if I cant understand the details, and everything knows what suffering is, so I can connect that empathy there. Everyone deserves kindness because life is fucking cruel.

Someone is hurting you because they are hurting. Also, you hurt people because you are hurting too. Its good to recognize where you have hurt someone else and if you can apologize for it, you should.

Thanks for coming to my therapy writings.