Tuesday, February 5, 2019

Therapy did some good

All my characters in my book are based on me or other people. I'm currently working through a lot of abuse and neglect I had experienced as a kid, which means I'm fucked up in the arena of asking for help. I don't want to be, but I have a lot of psychological blocks there that I am working on getting past. However I did manage to beg strangers on the internet for money to help pay my medical bills, so I am kind of getting the hang of asking for help.

I have suffered so much abuse from every aspect of my life. I honestly am not sure why I am still alive. I live in pain every day which is incredibly traumatic. The physical pain is enough to make me want to end everything, but the toll on my soul is devastating. I have suffered sexual assault, domestic abuse, neglect, even some physical assault. These are all incredibly terrible just on their own and it kills people daily. And I have met some incredibly strong people who have suffered much worse than I have and I marvel at their strength. Its not a competition, terrible things happen to people all the time because life is fucking terrible. Suffering is not just the human condition, but every living things condition.

We are hardwired to default with happiness because life is so fucking bad. People who are not depressed actually see positive things more frequently than the negative things. Life is so cruel and existence is so awful, we literally had to evolve to look for the good things in life so we wouldn't kill ourselves. Innocent creatures suffer and die every second of every day and that is terrible.

I have nightmares sometimes, where I am supposed to clean up these aquariums and cages full of pets that have starved to death in their cages. When I'm particularly emotional, they are half evaporated tanks that have dead fish floating in the little water that is left. When I really want to torture myself, I see mummified remains of lizards or mice or whatever else can live in a terrarium. The worst though is when I dream about dozens of bird cages that are just filled with dying birds or dead birds and a few that are somehow alive among the corpses and I try to save them every time. Why do I try to save them every time even when I know I'm in a nightmare? I can't let suffering happen in front of me and I want to unleash torment on those that inflict suffering for fun. So I always try to save those poor dying animals that didn't deserve what happened to them. Just like I never deserved the abuse I suffered.

There is one thing that pain has shown me. The most divine thing you can do is have empathy and care for others. Someone can be experiencing something I could never understand, but I understand pain. I can recognize pain even if I cant understand the details, and everything knows what suffering is, so I can connect that empathy there. Everyone deserves kindness because life is fucking cruel.

Someone is hurting you because they are hurting. Also, you hurt people because you are hurting too. Its good to recognize where you have hurt someone else and if you can apologize for it, you should.

Thanks for coming to my therapy writings.

Friday, January 4, 2019

Please Ignore this Desperate Plea for Help

Well I had a stupid meltdown today.

My insurance told me that they didn't approve covering one of my doctors visits because the office put the wrong code for the visit. I tried to explain that my insurance would cover the visit if they resubmit it with the correct code for the visit and everything from that would be covered. But instead I was stonewalled, treated like garbage, and also interrupted every time I tried to explain what I needed them to do. Dude, I am so fucking tired of insurance companies and doctors offices pushing me around because one or the other person just doesn't care that I cant pay the bill anyway. My insurance will cover it, but because I am easily confused due to my illness it makes it impossible for me to manage the health system. I am ridiculed and pushed around instead of helped. What the fuck happened to this place that I cant get some simple help with fixing a mistake that other people made? Why do we treat people this way?

Part of being easily confused is frustrating because I know when someone is being shitty with me, but I cant process anything in response. Treat me like a human being. Give me some time to understand what you're saying. I'm not an idiot, but I cant process information very well. I am tired of people being shitty and condescending to me because I have problems communicating.

I am too sick to work. I can't work in what I used to love because my inability to remember can kill someone. Being confused easily is not a good thing when you are trying to test biological samples. At this point it's so bad that I can hardly remember what task I was going to do five seconds before. Its not a problem with me when I'm working on coding, but that can be real bad for someone who tests blood for a living.

Also because I have problems trying to remember, I actually forgot to pay my utilities last month because I literally thought I paid it. Now they want the money for two months worth of utilities in my gas and electric and we cant afford it because we were already living paycheck to paycheck. I have like $300 due in utilities and I have to hold that off because I needed to take my sick cat to the vet.

I am powerless. I feel so fucking powerless because my disease makes it impossible for me to manage my life that most people would never have problems trying to resolve. I have two degrees and an associates and I cant work even though I have so many qualifications. I feel like I was put in someone else and any accomplishments I made don't matter at all. I would like to get help so I can be put on disability but I'm too confused to manage the system on my own. I need help but I don't know what to do or who to talk to. I have considered divorcing my husband so I can get on SSI because we make too much. I cant even get food stamps because we make too much. I have lost 20 pounds because I have to stretch my food budget for myself so I can take care of my animals. I used to be able to take care of them. I am afraid that I can't be the fur mom they deserve anymore because I am in a broken body. My bird is bonded to me which means a lot of distress for her if I give her to someone else that can take better care of her. I shouldn't have to throw everything in my life away because I am too sick. Besides, my animals have been one of the only things that kept me alive. Do I need to sacrifice everything that comforts me when I have so little to hang on to in the first place? I don't have enough money to pay my bills so apparently that's what I need to do.

I don't know how to get help. I'm afraid that this disease is going to kill me. The pain I feel constantly drives me to consider ending everything. My powerless life makes me want to just cease to exist. Somehow I am still around regardless of all that, but my disease is going to kill me one way or the other.

This reality sucks.

Tuesday, January 1, 2019

Everything hurts and I'm dying

The last two weeks have been really rough on me. I been around a 9 most days, and barely have been able to get out of bed. Been averaging 500 steps for the whole day. I am so miserable. I tried a percocet to see if it would help my pain. It did nothing at all. So really this tells me I should be on stronger pain meds, because whatever I'm doing isn't doing shit to help with the pain. I'm at a complete loss. I also managed to be late on some bills because I thought I paid them, but my fibro fog brain was just tricking me. I need to come up with money out of nothing because my disease screwed me over again. I have no idea what to do. Being disabled is so hard and if I want to get SSI I discovered today that I likely need to get a divorce. This country punishes people who get sick. I didn't ask to be this way.

I'm so so so tired. I'm tired of being in pain and having no life. What can I do? I am trapped in poverty because of illness. I'm stuck in my bed because of illness. I plan to stream the next few days because I have to beg for money again. I don't see the point in trying to live in a society that punishes me for existing. I'm trapped.

I think it's time to write articles about how screwed so many of us are. It's not just me, it's so many people.

Thursday, December 13, 2018

Quick Update

I was lazy when I uploaded Albia² apparently and missed a small error. I also had to change the archive from .rar to .zip which hopefully works better for you guys. Link has been updated.

Tuesday, December 11, 2018

Broke and chronically ill

Well I couldn't pay my copay today for therapy. Luckily they let me pay next time.

I desperately need support so if anyone could donate so I could pay my medical bills I'd gratefully appreciate it.

Hopefully I'll stream today and maybe earn your pity for being so sick.