Sunday, May 17, 2020

progress

The past few weeks I can't stop sleeping. The exhaustion I feel is not moved by anything. I still am drinking several coffee cups a day and still falling asleep quickly. It's not a mystery to me why I'm so exhausted; I've been going through my memories to try and deal with my emotions about my trauma, because I don't want to be haunted the rest of my life anymore. I'm doing it so much I'm doing it in my sleep.

I been having lucid dreams every night. In these dreams there is a house, and I'm cleaning the basement. Sometimes I move something or clean something and I see a memory, and the experience floods my world with what happened. When it's over I'm feeling everything I felt when it happened, and talking myself through it. I tell myself I didn't deserve to be abused, neglected, ignored, or punished for being myself. There are no more giant nests of monster spiders in this basement room. There are no broken walls anymore or water dripping. It's become safe, clean, dry, and livable.

I've made it through the basement and the first floors. I've begun cleaning out all the ghosts and repairing libraries and bedrooms so they can be lived in. I've cleaned some hidden rooms even. But this process is long. It can take days to go through each event until a room is clean. It's exhausting but it's so worth it.

I'm sure someone sees me barely interacting with the outside world and thinks I'm doing it for selfish reasons. Well I am. I need to process what happened to me because I don't want to be haunted the rest of my life. I have to take care of my mental health or it will kill me. If it's selfish to take care of my health first, then fucking yes I'm selfish. If it's selfish to manage my emotions and my health then fine. But it's not selfish. I am in fact helping my family and friends as well as myself by deconstructing and dealing with trauma. By dealing with it, I won't harm others by keeping shitty toxic views that don't help me or those around me. 

Healing is very difficult and a lot of people spend their lives avoiding that because of it. Don't ever feel bad for taking care of yourself. 

4 comments:

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